The Consequences of Saying No...

Yesterday started off as a pretty good day. I raced a small local triathlon and was home well before noon. The afternoon was pretty much just wasted, due to the wife's current state of being large with child, but the evening was supposed to include a trip to the store for some food, and then I was planning a nice long bike ride out to Antelope Island.

During the time that I was at the triathlon however, someone called for me. My wife, not recognizing the number chose not to answer and the man left a message asking me to call him back. He seemed a little too familiar with me, and I didn't recognize his name. I half suspected he was a salesman of sorts and with the call back number being a long distance call, I wasn't about to do it on my home phone, and I'm not giving a salesman my cell number, which is how I make all my long distance calls.

He called back about 5:30 last night, as we were heading out the door. I answered and soon learned that he was the high councilman assigned to our ward. For the non-mormon readers, he's a guy from a council that oversees 10 or so congregations and is assigned as a liaison between that council and the unit. In my opinion, kind of like how the KGB would embed people inside military units to make sure everyone followed the party line... But I digress!

Anyway, he wanted to meet with my wife and I. I don't like meetings like these as they generally aren't good. I told him that anytime today would be fine, but he wanted to do it last night. Eventually I decided to skip my ride and just go for it, so we were supposed to meet with him at 7:30. My kids talked us into getting a neighbor to watch them, which was probably a good idea anyway, and we got cleaned up and headed off to the Church.

Prior to this, we had been trying to figure out what it might be about. Men in these positions typically don't request you to accept a position, but usually, that's what a meeting with a "please bring your wife" thing is about. Then my wife joked that they had discovered my blog and wanted to talk about it.

I was a little panicked over the blog idea. I don't believe I have said anything false, not have a actively campaigned against the Church, but I have pointed out some flaws and posted some of the things which disgust me. Since the Church likes to keep their dirty laundry out of the spotlight I figured that I could be up for either some censorship or some disciplinary action. I figured that the absolute worst scenario would be a threat of disciplinary action, and quite frankly, if it were to come to that, my name would be removed from the records before any of that proceeded.

As we headed up to meet with the gentleman, my wife and I talked as we have in the past about what it might be about, and if it were a new assignment, that depending on the assignment, my answer could very well be a no.

Anyway, so we arrived and were ushered into the office. The gentleman in question appears to be a very nice person and was very polite. He greeted us, did a little small talk and then cut right to the reason for the meeting.

The "Lord" has apparently felt that I should be called as the Assistant Executive Secretary for the unit where we attend. Let me share with you my feelings as he said this...

I was asked to be the Executive Secretary of the last unit we were in... It was about the same time, as I was starting to doubt a lot of what the Church stands for. It had been a few really rough months, and the man who extended that call was one for which I had and still have a great deal of respect. My thinking was that I had been tried by the Lord and that had passed a test and this was the reward - A fairly high profile position with a lot of responsibility.

Within a week of accepting that position, I was left with absolutely no doubt that there was no divine influence at all in my being asked to fill it. Further more I found myself serving under a man whose approach to the gospel was more like the Pharisee's approach than Christs. Much of what I had to do was keep minutes, attend meetings and make phone calls. Minutes I can do. Attend meetings is hard when you have absolutely no free time, but I managed to pull that off too. Making phone calls is something I absolutely detest. I know what it's like to get the calls. I hate making them, and quite frankly is scares the crap out of me. Two or three times a week I would spend an hour looking at a list of names before finally just doing it and then spending the rest of the evening recovering from the adrenaline rush that it caused. I can only describe the nine months during which I served as the secretary and pure and utter HELL!!

So after being asked to serve as the assistant Executive Secretary, I laughed nervously and then explained just how much I hated serving in that position before. Add to this, that I have absolutely no respect for the current bishop, due to the lightbulb incident some months ago, and quite frankly I just don't have time.

After some talking I was assured that the Lord would bless me for my service when I accepted the calling. Funnily enough I was given that same promise while working for the Church for 6 years and in the 10 years since completing my mission. In reality, all that has happened when I have followed the advise of Church leaders can only be described as my subjecting myself to being completely and utterly screwed - and not in the good way either.

I have learned that in most cases, callings are not given by divine guidance, that the Church has grown into a monster that seeks to feed itself, and will ensure that is taken care of before any benefit is given to members and that the gospel while wonderful when it is pure and true has been perverted to get gain.

I then told the person that I just didn't feel up the task and didn't feel like I could subject myself to that again.

He looked concerned and a little surprized and then as the awkward silence grew, said that he had to have either a yes or a no from me.

I've been to a lot of high pressure multi-level level marketing schemes in my life, and they always trying to force and answer to get you to commit before you think about it. I think the feeling was much the same in this case.

I then told him that based on past experiences and my current feelings my answer would have to be "No".

If the silence before was awkward, it got a whole lot worse after that. He didn't know what to say, and I had 30 years of "You have to say Yes" indoctrination fighting against me on the inside.

He did bring up my infamous lightbulb talk after that, which I thought was interesting - although he didn't mention the talk, and he tried some other small talk, but neither he nor I wanted to be there.

We left amicably, and drove home.

My wife is an amazing woman, and to be fair, I have not turned out to be the good "Worthy" man she pictured herself marrying. Not that I have committed any great transgressions, and in fact I feel I am far more honest and well centered now than I have ever been. She is also very aware that I would have been miserable had I accepted to calling, and that I would have spent even less time at home than I do now.

All that aside, she also has 30+ years of "You have to say yes" indoctrination and an equal amount of you have to marry a man who honors his priesthood (which while I do, really means - A man who will be blindly obedient to whatever the Church asks him to do). She admitted as she sat watching me fight internally over whether to say yes or not, that she really hoped I would say "Yes".

She's really struggling with this. I feel bad for her, but know personally that it was the right decision.

I came home, and did 45 minutes on my bike. My average speed was over 19mph, and I swallowed a number of bugs. Not bad considering I raced in the morning.

Today at Church, the bishop ended with a blessing over the ward that including several references to members who needed to soften their hearts and forgive - I kind of get the feeling some of that may have been directed at me. I left the building as soon as my lesson was done, so as to avoid finding out for sure. I just don't want to go there...

When it comes down to it, I just want the Church to leave me alone. But I fear as I slip further onto the fringes of non-participation they will feel duty bound to bring me back in.