This isn't a post with a solution. I would however like to find a solution, so if anyone has any ideas...
I've been think a lot about the natural progression of intimacy in relationships and how best to share this with my kids.
Perhaps I should set the scene here...
Sex is no doubt a very special thing for 2 people to share with each other. I think there are two ends of the spectrum when discussing sex and relationships...
On one had you could take the promiscuous approach and just get as much of it as you can. On the other hand though, there is the idea that sex or any kind of physical involvement should be reserved for marriage.
With the first I think there are a couple of problems. First there is the very real danger of disease. Second the emotional bonds formed when increased intimacy is introduced to a relationship are hard to break, and so you either go through intense emotional distress if things don't go well, or on the other hand you distance yourself from the emotional side, and sex just becomes something you do, and loses it specialness.
With the second, where the couple wait until marriage to delve into it, it seems to disrupt the natural progression of things. If I could use myself as an example... I was raised LDS (Mormon), although at times I didn't quite live up to what was expected of me, and so got to experience some of that natural order of things. When my wife and I got engaged however, we were both trying to be very devout and save everything until after we were married. To help matters, I was constantly being given the evil eye by her father, and her mother would regularly have chats with her about how serious things were getting. After several months of "No, No, No", we got married, and then all of a sudden we were married, and the same people who were upset with us hugging a little too tight, were pushing us out the door to "Go do it". I guess I could compare it with playing little league baseball, and then all of a sudden finding yourself in Yankee Stadium facing Roger Clemens. Not to diminish my manhood, but you're not going to have the best game of your life when placed in that situation, and your batting partner (maybe this would have been better using cricket instead of baseball!) isn't going to have very much fun either.
I'll be honest with you, our Honeymoon absolutely sucked! There was not gradual movement through intimacy levels, it was just everything at once, complete with nerves and cluelessness. When my younger brother got married, I did spend some time putting together a couple of pages of thoughts for him and his wife, for which they thanked me, but I still thing it better not to take it the whole way, all at once.
I figure there are two options. The first is that after marriage, you take a few weeks to ease into things - Unfortunately our culture and expectations make this really difficult... It's all good and well when you think about it, but being a twenty something year old horny male and being told to wait, even when everything is legalized, is kind of a problem. Maybe it's like the teenager whose parent won't let him touch alcohol, and so once he gets on his own, instead of drinking responsibly, he just binges as much as possible. And ends up with all kinds of alcohol related issues.
The other option would be to encourage increased intimacy prior to marriage. It will be different for each couple of but especially if my particular religion were to relax it's stand on intimacy levels during the engagement period, I think it would make things far better for all involved. The alcohol example probably works well here too. I believe (I could be wrong) that in France, parents introduce their children to wine at a very young age, starting with watered down wine, and then allowing them to continue to use it responsibly as they get older. I would suspect that far fewer of those kids have alcohol abuse problems, because alcohol isn't the same mysterious world for them, it something they are comfortable with and have learned to enjoy over time.
I'm not sure exactly what the answer is. I don't want my daughters to become the "High School Slut" or my sons to be come "Players", but at the same time, I'd like them to be able to appreciate and fully enjoy the wonderful experiences and feelings that come with intimacy.
When I was in my early teens, my mother had a "talk" with me about sex, which consisted of her saying that I shouldn't have sex until I was in love, and I couldn't be in love until I was at least 24.(!)
ReplyDeleteNaturally, I ignored this advice, but I did wait until I got to college to have sex. And it was with someone I was actually involved with, which is far preferable to just a "hook-up".
My theory, as far as younge people and sex is, if you're not mature enough to feel comfortable going into a drugstore to buy condoms, you're not mature enough to have sex. And if you're not comfortable insisting on condoms, then you're not ready to have sex either.
If you're in a relationship and you're not ready to have sex, that's fine; you shouldn't have sex to "hold on" to someone; on the other hand, if the other person wants sex, you should probably give them their freedom to do so - no one should hold anyone else hostage to their timetable.
However, I think having sex regularly (at least once or twice a week) is a requirement in marriage, even if you don't feel like it. Because once you're married, sex is the one thing you're not supposed to do with anyone else, so if you're not having sex with your spouse, you're basically breaking the marriage contract.
If your spouse wants to have sex but there's some reason you don't want to have sex with them (you're angry at them, you're not attracted to them because they've let themselves go, etc.), then you should work that out, in counseling if necessary.
There's a lot more I could say about this topic, however, I think people should absolutely NOT wait to have sex before getting married. Knowing yourself as a sexual being is as essential a part of adulthood as anything else, and so going into marriage as a child, basically, in this regard is as bad an idea as going into marriage before you've grown up in other ways.
Yes, getting physically and emotionally intimate with someone and then getting hurt if things don't work out is painful, but those are the kinds of losses that contribute to our growth as human beings. Lord knows I've been just as hurt by men I didn't sleep with, but gave my heart to, as men I did sleep with. Sex is special, but it also shouldn't be put on a pedestal...
Thanks Deirdre,
ReplyDeleteVery wise words - I may even hang onto this for when I have "The Talk" with my kids as well.
I did have to laugh though. I still feel really awkward buying condoms - despite being married for 10 years. Yikes! Perhaps I'm not ready!
I suspect this is likely the result of many years with sex being a taboo subject in my home. I remember my younger brother running from the room with his hands over his ears anytime a tampon ad came on the TV. Actually I think I'd rather buy tampons than condoms, but that's a whole other topic.
I like the bit about not putting it on a pedestal as well. Perhaps less pedestal and more openess would be some of the key things to keep in mind when I have the talk with my kids.
The other benefit of sex before marriage is that you find out if what you're feeling is really love, or just lust. Once you're older and experienced it's easier to discern that, but for young people (and by young I mean anyone under 40!), it's really hard to tell the difference until after you've satisfied the lust. I was so sure I was in love with several people, only to discover that it was just lust. Since I used to have a weird attraction to alcoholics, I can only thank God that I got to play out the attraction without marrying any of them...
ReplyDeleteI agree that the no sex rule doesn't work. Sex is such a natural drive for human beings, that not exploring that side of us runs the risk of it becoming a huge issue later on.
ReplyDeleteI never had the sex talk with my parents, but I was always given the responsibility of making my own choices and then dealing with the consequences. I do think nowadays with all the diseases and other dangers, a talk is necessary.
I had the freedom to explore so I had hook-up sex, I've had sex in relationships, I've dated with no sex. I even had a 2-year slutty period after my second husband and I broke up. It was awesome fun, and then once I was done having fun, it was over. In each stage of my life, sex has had a particular role and I have followed what worked for me at the time.
Now I'm not that interested unless it's part of a relationship with someone I want to be with. And that's that.
So I think my point is that what might be very helpful to your kids is getting that they can and should trust themselves, and that mistakes happen and it's not the end of the world when they do.
I PASSIONATELY agree with everything deidre and e said in all their comments.
ReplyDeleteLike e, my parents never gave me "the talk" per-se but did impress upon me throughout my life, my own responsibility for my actions and their consequences, which naturally carried through to this are of my life also.
My mother and I did talk about sex openly, however. Not in that "best girlfriends" way that some mothers try these days but it was never a "taboo" issue.
What I remember from those talks is that they were natural and unforced. What I got out of them, in essence, was that sex was special. Giving of myself to someone else in that way was special and that I had the right to decide who was "worthy" of that private experience with me. In other words, it wasn't something to be dished out willy-nilly (as we like to say in the UK). But yet, there was never any edict on "when" or "who" I should reserve sex for.
I had sex for the first time at 16 (the legal age in the UK), upstairs in my bedroom while my parents were downstairs, and with a boyfriend I have been with for 3 months and wound-up in a 3 year relationship with.
Unlike many women I have met, I have nothing but positive, wonderful memories of that first time, and all the times after that. I loved my boyfriend at the time (whatever that means at 16) and it felt natural and right. I never once felt wrong, or dirty about that choice.
Like e, since then I've experienced sex from many angles - one night stands to long-term relationships entirely built upon lust (what fun), to a marriage where the sex was basically non-existent (he was Catholic by the way and carried a lot of guilt about the whole thing.) For the most part, I haven't regretted any of it. Sure, my heart got broken and I wasn't always an avid admirer of myself or my actions, but they all taught me something valuable.
As I think about becoming a parent some day, here is what I think I would say (cliff notes) to a son or daughter of my own:
"Sex is a wonderful, enjoyable experience between two people who care about one another. It is the most private and most special thing you can do or give to another human being and therefore you should think about whether the person you are considering having sex with is worthy of that gift. You should never feel pressured (by a partner, society, your friends, anyone) to have sex. It is a choice only you can make and that you have to be comfortable with. There is no shame in saying no but, equally, if you have decided this person is worthy of this gift, you should never feel shame for choosing to say yes. But recognize that with this choice comes responsibility...." ending with safe sex practices.
Of course, this is me and you'll find your own blend of your life experiences to communicate what is right for your family.
What I do want to commend you on is the soul-searching you've done about this issue. Many parents I know don't take the time to reflect on their own life and experiences in an objective (as it can be) way that seeks to provide their children, in a completely selfless way, with the wisdom of their triumphs and mistakes. Your post reveals to me that your kids are very lucky to have you as a father. I'm sure whatever you choose to say, you'll do a great job and they'll appreciate you for it.
As an aside: I realize I haven't been reading your blog much and now I'm sorry for it. I very much enjoy your posts and have to say, Koda, I really like you! You seem to be intelligent, thoughtful, kind and compassionate. Thanks for sharing these personal thoughts with us readers.
Thanks for all of your thoughts! E, Deidre and Vixen all excellent perspectives - I especially like the TV's cliff notes. I'm thinking more and more though that I should probably focus on making it something we can discuss opening and feely rather than having a specific talk.
ReplyDeleteI got the talk when I was 11 - should have known something was up when my dad voluntarily took me camping. Less than a minute into the talk, I realized people had sex on purpose (Up until then I knew the birds and the bees mechanics, but figured people actually had to 'Sleep' together for it to happen. I mean to an 11 year old, who would voluntarily do that - Ewwwww!!)
Oh, and Travel Vixen - Glad to have you back - although it sounds like you've been busy with trips to Jamaica, journalistic classes and what not - I was insanely jealous over the Jamaica reports especially!! I enjoy your perspective as well! I still hold our discussion on Healthcare as the example of what a productive debate on the issues can accomplish, even it just results in a better understanding of an issue for all involved.