Meeting the Inevitable

You may recall that Mrs Koda and I stood our bishop up for 'Tithing Settlement' last year. It was going to be an awkward encounter and neither of us felt ready for it. Part of me wanted to go in and get it over with, but the other part just wanted to hide away like a terrified little kid.

Yesterday I found myself sitting in the class I teach, when a knock on the door and a beckoning finger through the window summoned me outside. I used to be the guy who had to track down people for appointments, and it sucked, so I can empathize with the gentleman who was sent to find me.

I tried to be non-committal, but he got me scheduled for an appointment after the block. I thought about texting the Mrs to share the news with her, but decided not to. Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. Instead I spent the remainder of the lesson with my mind racing through one scenario to another. Good thing I wasn't teaching, since mentally I was somewhere else.

The words of an obnoxious commenter on this blog a few months ago came back to haunt me as well. He called me a coward. It's bothered me ever since. Perhaps I am a coward. The problem is that I'm employed by Mormons, live in a predominantly Mormon neighborhood, and have extended family on both sides which are Mormon. While not a hard and fast rule, generally Mormons are prejudiced towards non-mormons to one degree or another, and being an ex-mormon is about as bad as you can be. Many will consider you a 'son of perdition' worse than murderers, adulterers and other people of a similar class. I'm terrified of the consequences of leaving, and meeting with the bishop is likely to be just another step along that road.

Of course with that said, I'm sick of hiding.

Mrs. Koda knew within seconds of me returning home that something was wrong. That was at 11:15 and the appointment was at 12:30. Before I continue... Mrs Koda is a wonderful woman, and I couldn't ask for a better wife. I feel very unworthy of her much of the time. She married a worthy priesthood holder a little over a decade ago, and I haven't turned out to be what she expected. And while she herself would rather go with the flow and not question things, she remains by my side.

She was a little upset that I didn't say no to the appointment. Truth be told, despite almost 4 years of knowing logically that the organization has no power over me, I still struggle with it emotionally. Perhaps I should have said no, but at the same time, I wanted the little dance to be over.

Fortunately she consented to coming in with me, and so we arrived shortly before our appointed time.

Our bishop is also our neighbor. As a neighbor, you couldn't ask for a nicer guy. Aside from the fact that his kid was letting of fire crackers around midnight last weekend, they're not a bad family at all.

He's also a runner, and a really fast one as well, and he's thinking about getting into triathlons too, so we have something in common there.

Unfortunately, he's also facing some personal health problems right now, and so that combined with a shared neighborhood, and the fact that he's a nice guy makes any kind of confrontation difficult.

We talked for a while and it was all very pleasant.

About 10 minutes in, he brought up the fact that he hadn't been able to see us for tithing settlement and was concerned that our records showed that no tithing had been paid. I confirmed that he was right.

He asked about our financial well-being, and did so in a very non-offensive way, so while it was none of his business, I felt the need to give a decent response. The truth of the matter is that financially, things suck for us right now, but we still have our home, and we're still making it through each month with food on the table. The credit card balance is a little out of control, but we're hoping to get a handle on it soon with some different ideas, but that's a whole other story.

He then stated that he wasn't trying to call us to repentance, but he wanted to know if there was something he could help us with. He asked if we wouldn't mind sharing why we no longer paid.

I thought about dropping the "If I want to invest in a mall, I'll do it myself" response, but I reverted instead to the real origin of my problems.

I spent too many years working for the Church.

I left it at that and he inferred that I had seen some things which disturbed me.

That is pretty much what happened. The problem is that while trying to resolve those things, I stumbled across other things, and ended up in an endless rabbit hole where each question was answered with even more questions and before I knew it, the entire foundation had crumbled before my eyes.

I still remember sitting on the bus one day while on the way home from work at the church office building, and the impression came to me as clear as the noon day sun. It isn't true, it isn't true. Shortly thereafter I quit working for them, so as to save my soul - ironic, no?

I think he was worried that his actions related to the light bulb incident two years ago may have been involved, and while they definitely factor into the process of my deconversion, I would hate him to think that his actions where the sole reason, or that I am that petty.

Anyway, he then asked about our temple recommends. Apparently he's not aware that I never got mine validated by the Stake two years ago (Largely due to the light bulb thing), and so Mrs. Koda took most of those questions. Hers expired yesterday and she doesn't have plan right now to renew it.

In my mind, she is just as worthy as anyone to hold a recommend, but the problem she has, is the same as mine. While it isn't officially one of the questions, it can be inferred from a couple of them. Holding a recommend is in many ways, a symbol of your commitment to 100% blind obedience to the organization, and that isn't something I can live with, and Mrs. Koda is concerned about it as well right now.

I thought it interesting that the bishop never mentioned worthiness, only that payment of tithing was a requirement to have one. I've talked about that in the past, and may again in the future.

We parted amiably, although interestingly without a prayer, which seemed a little strange - not that I minded though.

I suspect that this saga is far from over, but it does feel good to be over a hurdle of sorts.

While the tone was very casual and friendly, in essence, the entire appointment was basically just a front for our recommends to be taken back. It's the Church's way of telling us that we're not good enough to go to the temple. Although they have no problem with us being in positions where we are responsible for kids in their formative years. I want out of mine something fierce, but I have a reason for holding onto it for the next couple of months. I'll share more as that time approaches.

I think that realization hit Mrs. Koda far harder than I, but I still felt it's effect.

Logically we can see the problems with the whole thing, but at the same time, 30 years of brainwashing has a serious effect on a persons mental state when things like this happen.

We spent the rest of the afternoon, watching Angels and Demons - probably a rather fitting choice of movie, given the circumstances.

Looks like a new chapter in our lives together is beginning.