Destroying Traditional Marriage

This is one of those topics that I think you could likely right a book on, and probably still have extra material. You're welcome to take this idea and run with it, since I'm sure I won't have time to investigate and write such a book, but these are the thoughts which have been mulling around inside my head over the past few months.

First off... I try to keep this blog more serious than Being the Urban Koda, but being more serious, it tends to suffer from being a little drab as well. I posted the following video on the other blog some months ago and followed it by a comment or question to the effect that this wouldn't happen in a Mormon wedding. So to liven this blog up a little, may I present...



That was kind of what got the ball rolling in my mind. I think what I like about this video is that while the couple of engaging in a religious ceremony, inside a religious building, I think they still capture elements of themselves and draw the crowd into what is ultimately a celebration of their love and commitment to one another.

If you're one of the folks who would likely have commented on the video about the inappropriateness of their entrance, you're probably not going to like what I have to say.

I honestly love everything about this particular wedding, and I think it shows everything missing from a traditional LDS wedding.

First lets consider the bride and groom. From reading I have done, both are graduate students and are looking at very promising career paths when they graduate.

In a traditional Mormon setting, couples are encouraged to get married as soon as possible. A woman's place is in the home having and raising children and the man's place is to provide. Young people within the LDS Church are typically counseled that marriage and having children is their foremost priority, and that education and career should be secondary to that.

Next the bridal party. In traditional weddings, the wedding party consists of more than just the bride and groom, it includes friends and relatives, all involved to share in the celebration of the union of the couple.

At a traditional Mormon wedding, only friends and relatives who pass the strict requirements to enter a Mormon temple may be invited, and even then, this number is restricted based on the size of the room available. My wife and I were lucky in this regard. None of my friends lived in the US at the time, and with the exception of my parents, none of my family, extended or immediate was eligible to attend.

The entrance... I'll let the video speak for itself, since that's the whole thing right there.

The Mormon version is so completely different, it almost defies comparison. Typically the guests are seated, and the couple of ushered in quietly. At best, guests may turn to each other and quietly whisper something about the brides dress, but that's about as exciting as it gets.

Speaking of dresses... Mormon Weddings require the couple to being in appropriate temple clothing. The groom will typically be dressed all in white, and while the bride is permitted to wear her dress, often it has to be augmented with additional garments to cover the arms, the chest and back. There is more to the clothing as well, but I'm not going to discuss that in this forum.

While the ceremonial part of the wedding ceremony is not shown in the video above, I suspect it would include all the traditional parts. Vows are exchanged, the wording of which may be chosen by the two parties and/or by the person performing the marriage. Rings are exchanged in conjunction with the vows and the couple or pronounced married and given the opportunity to kiss.

In a Mormon wedding, the person performing the marriage is often unknown to the couple. I didn't meet the gentlemen who performed our ceremony prior to the ceremony, and have never met him since. In some cases, families may know someone who is authorized to perform a temple marriage, but in many cases, it's a stranger.

The wording of the marriage ceremony is specific and must be repeated word for word, without error. Sometimes the person performing the marriage will offer some advise or counsel before, but given that the officiator is usually an old man, it's some rambling tale about praying together and never going to bed angry. Often the speech has been given so many times, it's just rambled off parrot fashion without much feeling, but since the guy doesn't know either of you from Adam (or Eve). He really doesn't care.

Rings do not have a place in the ceremony at all. I believe this is because they are regarded as a pagan tradition, although they do allow them to be exchanged away from the altar when the ceremony is complete. In our case, it consisted of me digging both rings from my pockets, complete with pocket lint and all of that, and then awkwardly putting rings on each others fingers, while the guests sit and stare. Due to the expected reverence in the room, you can whisper to each other, but I suspect more than that would likely be frowned upon.

Mormon marriage is considered to be the pinnacle of your existence here on the earth. And as part of the ceremony, you're kind of married not necessarily as a couple, but more as a weird threesome, with God being the third party. It's not some freaky perverted thing, but more a reminder that the marriage is part of God's plan, and so he needs to be a part of it. I'll share my personal feelings on this in a sec...

As a final note, in some countries, Mormon weddings are not recognized by the State. Part of this is the fact that the ceremony is not public, and so in those countries, a civil ceremony is performed first. Typically the Mormon rules are that if this is done, the temple ceremony must be performed within 24 hours, unless there are extenuating circumstances... So typically a couple has to plan the traditional wedding, and a temple wedding, and then try to schedule photo's, a reception and start a honeymoon, all within 24 hours.

If you choose to have a civil ceremony and then wait more than 24 hours, then you have to go through a waiting period of a year or two. My understanding is that this is a repentance type period or a punishment, since you have shown disrespect for the temple ceremony. Couples who choose to have the civil service one afternoon and the temple ceremony the next morning, will often return to their separate homes, receive the accolades of all the older people, for being such diligent young Mormons.

Along with that, the civil ceremony is often treated a little too casually. And by casual, I don't mean like the wedding shown above. I have attended a few civil ceremonies where the person officiating will make comments like... "Well let's get these vows done, even though they don't mean much, since the real vows will be done tomorrow..." I personally found that just plain disrespectful on his part, especially in light of the fact that more often than not, there are family and friends in attendance who won't be attending the temple ceremony, and for them, this is it!

I have some comments I'd like to make about my impressions on the Mormon ceremony, and I think many of these could likely relate to the state of sexual intimacy amongst Mormon couples, but perhaps I'll leave that discussion (The sex one) for another day.

Here's the thing... Ultimately a marriage is about the union of two people, based in love and commitment for one another. The commitment is essentially an internal agreement between the two, and depending on your definition, I would propose that it is largely a spiritual commitment. The ceremony itself serves two purposed in my mind. There is a legal side to it, since in many countries, there are legal ramifications to marriage. There's also the social side to it. It's an opportunity to celebrate your union with friends and family.

The history of Mormon weddings began with the LDS Prophet taking additional 'Celestial' wives secretly from his wife and the community (primarily the religion) at large. Polygamy seems to be a manifestation, at least in my opinion, of two things: First unbridled sexual urges on the part of the husband, satisfied by taking additional woman either younger or older. Actually it should more accurately be referred to as polyandry, since other men's wives were taken as well - some with and some without the knowledge of their husbands. Second it involves an element of control. The prophet could promise eternal life to the bride to be, and her extended family. I would suspect that prophet he could likely invoke that power to ensure she fulfilled her role as wife, mostly likely in pursuit of his own sexual satisfaction.

Likewise to, I suspect that the strict role and manner in which Mormon weddings are handled, is a subtle message to the couple that they 'belong' to the Church. It's more of a display of dominance and control that anything else. And if a bride or groom has to tell immediate family that they cannot attend the ceremony, so much the better.

I don't disagree with the notion of an eternal marriage, or with the idea of marriage itself. I just see a day which should be a celebration of the couple and the fulfillment of a little girl's dreams, to be a day where instead the patriarchal control of the establishment in invoke to force the young couple into submission.

That's just my opinion though.