Psychological Issues

This is going to be a hard post to write, not that the topic is difficult, but it requires me to expose a certain amount of myself to the world, as well as admitting that I have a problem. It's also going to be quite the effort to try and keep it on topic as well, since there are so many places where I could spawn a zinger.

I had a spiritual awakening of sorts last night, not spiritual as in religious, but more a flash of inspiration into who I am and how I relate to the world around me.

As many of those who read this blog may know, the past year has been a little tricky dealing with my parents - or not as the case may be. Despite my sharing my blog address with them many years ago, they never actually bothered to check it out, until one fateful day last December when they chanced upon it through what I can only describe as an unfortunate series of events.

The problem was that rather than being introduced to my feelings little by little, they got the full force of my disaffection from the LDS Church, my change from right wing, pro-gun, pro-war conservative nutjob, to essentially a liberal and many other things. Unfortunately too, in the midst of all of that, they also read far more into other things I had said and made some pretty far fetched assumptions about my opinion of them. The short version of it is that it blew up in my face - badly.

I've found that you just can't discuss alternative religious view points with devout Mormons, which my parent's are very much so. Just as you cannot have a rational discussion about health-care reform with a Glenn Beck fan, and just to be fair, why I refuse to take seriously any comment made by a person who references Cleon Skousen, no matter how valid their point might be.

After a rather intense email exchange with them, during which some pretty inflammatory things were said by both me and them, it appeared to have reached a point where they were willing to let it settle, but said that the door was always open, should I want to discuss things with them. All good right?!

And then I got a letter from them... It's one thing to shoot from the hip when discussing something face to face or in hurried emails, but it's quite another to sit down and draft a multiple page letter, and then print it out, sign it, and put it in the mail. It was perhaps one of the most vile and hateful letters I have ever received, and I had absolutely no idea how to respond to it. It concluded with them telling me that I need professional help. I still haven't responded. I still have no idea how, but it kinda factors in to the things I figured out last night.

Let's leave that wee saga for a while, and go onto something more recent. If you read my post yesterday, you know that I got pretty worked up about an impending visit from two leaders in my local congregation. There was a lot of anger on my part when I learned this, and the adrenaline flowed thick and fast. If I was a dog, my hackles would have been raised real high, and I would have been snarling - actually I may have snarled a little on Sunday night despite being devoid of canine DNA.

As I was driving alone late last night though, I got to thinking...

Why are two men, who have absolutely no authority over me causing me to react in such a way, and why am I filled with this intense anger, and my defenses going absolutely nuts at the prospect of them visiting me?

I'm not sure what the technical term is for this, but here's where I think my problems originated from...

First I'm going to share some things about my parents. I'm not doing this to embarrass them, nor am I doing it to be critical of them. They are good people, who have tried honestly to raise me as best they could. I have had a lot of opportunities in life because of sacrifices they have made. I don't want to detract from any of that, however there were aspects of their parenting techniques when it came to raising me, combined with other forces to which I was exposed as a kid which have resulted in the psychological obstacle I'm now facing.

Much of the way I was raised was likely a blend of parenting techniques passed down from generation to generation, and in the case of my parents, who converted to the LDS Church shortly before my birth, LDS Culture paid a very significant part in it as well.

When it came to discipline in our home, at least with me, they were pretty heavy handed. My father worked very long hours at times, and in raising 5 kids I'm sure my mothers stress level was through the roof. Combine those two, and it didn't take much to ignite a fuse with either of them. I know this, because we have 5 kids, and they're really good kids, but that's still a hell of a lot of kids, and kids are kids!

In addition to heavy handed discipline, interactions with them contained a couple of elements.

1 - There was the element of infallibility. My parents cannot be wrong and even if they are wrong, you cannot point it out without facing serious consequences. I suspect some of this is cultural, since I was taught similar concepts in schools from my teachers. Part of it may be religious, since in Mormonism, the father presides in the home and what he says goes, and every one else must fall in line, much like the organization of the Church itself behind it's leaders. And then part of this may be because in defending themselves from attacks from the remainder of their families against the choice they had made to join the LDS Church, I think they had to put up some pretty big shields.

2 - There was also a fair amount of manipulation. This seems to be very prevalent amongst devout Mormons, and I can cite scriptural references to back it up. In the New Testament is the verse, If ye love me, keep my commandments. You can view that a couple of ways, but perhaps the most common would be to reverse the logic, therefore, if you don't do what God wants, obviously you don't love him. You can switch sides to and say that God won't love you if you don't do what he says, and then take it back down to parenting.

While it isn't often said outright, often the insinuation is made that a parents love for you is conditional upon you doing what they want you do.

Can you think of anything more frightening for a kid, that to be threatened with the removal of his parents love?

I get frustrated with my kids often - again, they're just kids - and I'm sure at some point in their lives, they'll make decisions which I may not agree with, but I can't ever foresee a situation where I would ever love them less. It's just inconceivable to me.

Unfortunately in the case of my parents I think this technique backfired a little. Whether it was related to my disaffection from the Church, or one of the perceived accusations I had made about them, somehow they got the notion that I hate them. Of course perhaps the more likely case is that it's just a ploy to try and steer me back into the fold through guilt. I spent a significant portion of my life trying to make them proud of me, trying to earn their love, and perhaps they hope that sense of duty will kick in again... I guess it could have worked had they tried it 5 or 6 years ago.

I could probably go on, but I think I've made my point. I had good parents, but at the same time, I was the target of a great deal of manipulation and grew up in a very dictatorial type environment.

There are some other factors that need to be considered as well.

I was one of the last groups to move through school in South Africa, when corporal punishment was still in place. In Standard 3 (5th Grade / Form 1) I skipped class by mistake. By the time I realized it, it was too late to try and get to class, and unfortunately one of my 'good friends' ratted me out to the school principal. I was a really, really good kid in school. Kept my nose clean, always tried to be good in class, mostly because I was terrified of getting caned, and all of a sudden I was faced with the prospect.

I recall sitting in the principals office, begging and pleading for a different punishment. Please give me detention for the rest of the term, anything, just please don't cane me.

Caning was an interesting thing. Unfortunately due to the continued need to conform to authority, when the principal told me to stand in front of his desk I had no option. When he told me to bend over and touch my toes, I had no option, I had to do it. And then came the waiting, the anticipation and the complete and absolute terror.

You know that sound when a stick cuts through air? I heard it, and it took forever.

And then came the contact with my rear end. CRACK!!!!

It actually wasn't too bad to begin with. Convention dictated that I turn and thank the Principal for caning me, which I did through muffled sobs, and then I had to stand and watch while he wrote my name in his discipline book - While legal, corporal punishment was regulated a little.

And then as I turned and walked out of his office, the pain started to come as well. WOW!

You would think that it would have been over, but I then faced the prospect of hiding it from my parents. To this day I'm not sure if they know. I was terrified that they would find out, and I would get hiding number 2 from them for breaking the rules and embarrassing them by being a bad boy as school. In hindsight, they probably wouldn't have, but as a wee lad with a nasty bruise across his rear, I had no idea and spent the next few weeks desperately trying to hide my bottom from them.

There are no doubt other factors which contribute to this as well. Episodes of humiliation in front of class because of mistakes, being accused of smoking in the bathrooms (when I wasn't and ironically as the teacher sat telling me how the record of me smoking would follow my through the rest of my school career, and likely keep me out of college, he was flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette.) And then there was the scum bag teacher who walked by and saw me with my hands in my pockets, and felt it best that he take a field hockey stick to my butt to teach me some respect.

The bottom line is that I am terrified of authority, and had approximately 20 or so years of exposure to an environment when I was taught to submit to that authority without question, or else face the most serious of consequences.

That my good friends, is one of the reasons I talk about agency and freedom so much, although it is obvious from how I still react in situations that I haven't fully wrapped myself around the principles of both.

I've noticed this in the past in my career too, although it's been hard to identify. In many aspects it may have made me look like the best of employees, but I've also been severely limited because I struggle offering opposing opinions or standing up for myself in tricky situations. If a situation arises where a person with some form of perceived authority over me tries to shut me down, I'll cave almost immediately, without even thinking about it.

With the LDS Church and my family, it hasn't been that big of a problem in the past. Particularly with the Church, I know the organization, the doctrine and the teachings really, really well. I went through some rough times when I was a missionary, and had a lot of time to read and ponder things. One of the things I read multiple times was the General Handbook of Instructions. A very comprehensive book given only to specific leaders in the Church, which documents almost everything about how the Church is to be run. I know my stuff, and as long as I was walking the strait and narrow road as defined by the Church, I was fine.

The problem is, that I came across corruption and other stuff within the Church that wasn't as it should be. Some of the details of this with respect to the history of the Church and current financial dealings I've shared here. There is also a lot of stuff, which due to the individuals involved, I'm not at liberty to share. I have good friends who still work for the organization, and sharing some of this stuff could put their employment in jeopardy. Not that they've done anything wrong, but if you go up against the infallible leadership, they look after their own and will take you down.

I had a manager while I worked for the organization describe what happened to me a nothing short of a character assassination. And all I did was try to excel at my job. If you're familiar with Mormon teachings at all, you know that I should have been trying my best anyway, but just not if you work for the organization, but that's a whole other can of worms from my history.

Here's my point...

I struggle with authority. Mentally I can't deal with it in any other way than a fight or flight response. Either I submit to it without question, or my defenses go crazy and heaven help anyone who gets in my way. A past girlfriend described it as an all or nothing type approach, and it affects almost everything I do.

With the two gentlemen from the local congregation who want to meet with me, it really isn't a big deal. They're just men with screwed up idea's who think I'm going to hell and want to make me change course. The problem is that subconsciously, I'm dealing with 2 men whom God has chosen to direct his Church, and as such I must submit to them. In addition to this, they will try and manipulate me. It's what Mormons do. They'll threaten things like subtly suggesting I don't love my family, that I don't love God and suggest that they might not let me baptize my daughter next year. The jokes kind of on them, since I'm pretty much agnostic at this point, but that won't matter. I'll sense the manipulation and my brain will shut off, it'll be fight or flight time, and given my position in respect to the organization, this time, it's going to be fight, and I'm not nice when I feel like I've been backed into a corner.

I stop thinking, I start shaking, I'll likely start crying, and then things go crazy. It's only happened a couple of times in my life, but every time it's been scary.

I had a salesman some years ago stop by to try and sell me a home security system. In a slick move he managed to get inside the house, and started suggesting that someone might break in and assault my wife and kids. I asked him nicely to leave and he just kept talking about all the threats to my family. Again I asked him to leave. I was holding it together until my wife came around the corner with my first born in her arms, and he took a step towards them. He was almost a foot taller than me, but I physically picked him up with one hand, opened the door and threw him out. I don't even remember what I was yelling, but I turned to my sweet wife, and she looked absolutely shocked. I don't think I stopped shaking for almost an hour after to ordeal.

I don't like going there. It's a nasty place, and it's hard to come back from, especially with family and people you have to live amongst.

Anyway, I'm not sure if that covered it. I have some serious psychological problems when it comes to dealing with authority. I've yet to develop the skills to respond to manipulation and that kind of thing in a calm and rational way.

I think this blog has helped, but I still have a long way to go.

Perhaps I do require a little professional assistance after all, just perhaps not the type that my parents want me too. In their minds I think they would like a shrink to sit me down and tell me to shut up and keep taking it.