In dealing with issues related to family finding out that I'm no longer Mr. Mormon Dude, my mind has been cast back to thoughts I had while I was a missionary.
A few times we'd teach people whose families were dead against them joining the Mormon Church, whether it was a kid whose parents kicked them out, or a wife, whose husband would beat her if she got caught sneaking out to attend Church.
I remember thinking and saying out loud to my companion that I almost preferred it when people would have to face things like that, because it meant that they were strong and it would really cement their testimonies.
The worst part is that we were introducing them to a Church which was and still claims to be all about families, and yet it has a tendency to rip them apart in pursuit of it's goals.
I am sorry that you having such a hard time. One of my friends recently asked me if I regretted leaving the church and I said no, but that the one thing I did feel bad about was the damaged family relationships. I wish that the church did not have such an "us vs. them" attitude.
ReplyDeleteThanks Reina! Couldn't agree more!
ReplyDeleteActually truth be told... my immediate family has had 2 reactions - at least those that know about me. One part of it (specifically my parents) freaked out, and tried to ostracize me from the family, sent out emails saying I didn't want to be a part of the family any more and nasty ones attacking me. If there's a silver lining, it's that most communication in their direction has ceased, and I don't actually mind too much. Being a parent is not a free ticket to treat your kids like crap!
The other part has actually been really, really cool about the whole thing. They actually live their religion - well the peace, love and harmony parts of it, and they're not big into the militant aspects of it. Huge Respect there!!
The rest, I'm not sure where they stand. I think they know somethings up, but are too afraid to ask, for fear of what they'll find out, which might be part of the reason that the folks tried to cut me off.
I've found though that most of the reasons I want out, or have hopped out, are worth discussing with members anyway. I think it's the same with any extreme religion though... The members get so indoctrinated that anything which questions parts of their belief system is seen as an overt attack...
"Anyway" he said, hopping off his soap box, "Leaving is worth it, when you look at the grand scheme of things!"
Oh the church doesn't have any problem in maintaining the family unit, so long as members of said unit belong to that church.
ReplyDeleteDespite that jab, I do have to admire those who are disowned by their families because of their pursuit of the gospel. The core idea should be not to try and convert the rest of the family, but to allow them to maintain the spirit of love and peace in the house. My brother's best friend lived with us for a year, we introduced him to the gospel, he attended church every so often but he ultimately never joined. He and my brother are still best friends and he even flew down for the blessing of each of my brother's two children.
I constantly remind myself that they have never looked at the world in any other way than from the TBM perspective... It does not make it hurt less, but at least I understand them. I never knew how true Plato's Allegory of the Cave was until this and to be honest my parents are still talking to me, but they lean on the jack-mo side of things anyway.
ReplyDeleteReina, unfortunately, I think my parents lean more towards the fundamentalist side of things (OD 2 was a mistake and polygamy is a Celestial Law type ideas), but I think that may be because their immediate families were not very accepting of their decision to convert, which kind of goes back to my thoughts back when I was out knocking doors.
ReplyDeleteDave P... And I thought I'd managed to chase off all my active Mormon readers :-) JK - Good to have you here, and appreciate your perspective.
I think there are two parts to the non-member family/friend problem.
1. You have family members/close friends, who might potentially become members, and in my experience they are usually shown a lot of the spirit of love and peace. I have a member of my extended family who is in this boat. She's attended a service or two, and shown a little interest.
2. You have family members/close friends, who've been members and then who decide to leave. Typically, they're not shown that same spirit, but rather one of anger and contempt. It's almost taken as a personal offense by those who remain. I have another extended family member, in additional to myself who are in this camp, and treatment if vastly different.
Obviously I'm generalizing based on personal experience, but I suspect my experience with these two groups might pretty common in the broader community that is the LDS Church.
I was discussing this with my husband the other day and we came to the conclusion that there are people who put the church first and family second, and those who put family first and the church second. We have both in our families. I'm hoping over time things will get better and not be so uncomfortable. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteReina, I really appreciated you bringing up Plato's Allegory of the Cave. A few months ago, I told the Cave story to my parents trying to explain how I felt. My dad asked if I felt like the person that escaped from the cave. I told him that I did because for my entire life I had only viewed life one way, like the shadows on the wall. After "escaping", I feel like the whole world has opened up to me. I don't think they were too impressed.
ReplyDeleteHere is a link for anyone that would like to read about The Cave allegory.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave
When I left the church, my family was pretty good about it. Their attitude was summed up one day by a comment my sister: "We still love you, even though you are wrong".
ReplyDeleteHowever, with certain members of the church I definitely received the #2 approach: anger and contempt. A woman basically told me that I was denying the holy ghost, which was one of the worst sins and I was basically going to "outer darkness".
On the other side, I've been blessed with friends in the LDS church that have shown me nothing but love and support and I thank God for them.
I think there's good and bad people in every religion. However, not every religion has such a united and tight subculture membership.