Sin

I kinda committed a sin two days ago. I don't know if it was officially a sin, however, I do know that it was a guideline when I was a missionary, and in several Sunday School lessons I've given about sin, and invitations to speak in Church, I've read the same admonition...

"Do not share details of past transgressions"

First off, perhaps I should just explain... I'm not a fan of the term sin, and I no longer believe in the term. There are things in this world which are plain wrong, such as when my actions have a negative effect on another human being, but I don't think sin means exactly that.

Sin seems to be an arbitrary set of rules assigned by a religious authority. These rules aren't necessarily contrary to civil law, but rather contrary to whomever God your religion claims to worship, and transgression of which carries with it spiritual and eternal consequences.

I had a normal, healthy relationship with a girl when I was young. Both of us were over the age of consent, and what we shared was beautiful, magical and just plain awesome! But in the eyes of a corporatized religion, I had committed a sin, and that required confession and all of that...

As I've been thinking about the whole thing over the past few days, I've had a number of thoughts... There are positive thoughts, remembering great memories from the past, and also negative thoughts relating to all the religious consequences.

I blogged about the control aspects of it yesterday. For a long time, I just figured that the person to whom I confessed was simply a sexual deviant, and many of you thought the same thing. Interestingly enough, there were a couple of comments indicating that this appeared to be standard operating procedure of Church leaders, and then as I listened to a podcast yesterday afternoon, one of the core pieces of the story involved a bishop who asked a young man very similar questions. The word probing was used, which illicits giggles from the teenage boy inside of me, but at the same time very dark thoughts as well. Especially when linked with the term mindf*ck, which Eliza R. Snitch referenced this morning in a blog post she put up.

Side note: That particular podcast was excellent. It was an interview with a couple from Utah, who are now involved in helping people who are struggling with Mormonism. I found myself tearing up at least once during the interview, and I'd highly recommend it -> Mormon Expression - And interview with Dennis and Sue

Back to the topic at hand though... After considering the control and manipulation techniques which my confession process had included, I started to wonder about the long term aspects of it... Stay with me, because I'm not exactly sure how to describe this...

So I confess, go through the prescribed process for repentance, and am then pronounced clean, and apparently in the eyes of God and through the blood of Christ, I no longer have the sin. WOOT!!

As part of that repentance process, I'm supposed to forget about the sin and never mention it again, since God has forgotten it as well.

Aside from my issues with the repentance process, that all seems good.

The thing is, almost 2 years later, when I returned home, it was brought up again in my release interview, which I found disturbing.

Mrs. Koda had no idea about my past transgressions either when we first got married. For almost 2 years I carried around the burden, of do I tell her that I wasn't always the perfect Mormon boy or do I keep it a secret... God, in his immortal omnipotence has apparently forgotten, and so should my lowly wife, who is supposed to be subject to my will have any need to know?

Finally I felt that even though God had forgiven me, I needed to let her know. I still remember where we were... I was driving, and we were heading East along 1800 North in Sunset, UT. As we passed the old Firestation and pulled up alongside the 7Eleven, I spilled the beans...

She laughed.

Not at me, but at the situation. She's an awesome lady!

Anyway, but as we've had kids and talked about raising them, we've decided that if they have sexually related issues as they get older, I get to handle them, because I have the experience - limited as it may be.

So I've done things in my life, which my former religion teaches is a sin. I've gone through the prescribed process to repent, but in so doing, I've gained valuable experience in the process as well as an intimate understanding of how a person in a similar situation might feel.

Why then, am I counseled against sharing that experience with others...

Here's my second theory for the week.

When I had my confession, I felt incredibly alone, incredibly unworthy, and as though I was the worst person in the world. All my fellow missionaries were doing fine keeping the rules, I was the black sheep.

The thing is though... I've found out that my 'sins' were actually rather minor, and that committing them actually made me more a part of the majority than I would had I not committed them.

I think though that religion, and specifically Mormonism, likes to create an air of elitism. The Prophet is basically infallible and can do no wrong, as with most of the other leaders, all the way down to local leaders. Everyone else at Church is keeping all the rules as well.

The net effect is, that when you screw up, and break one of God's eternal laws, you feel like utter crap. You have to beg and plead for mercy and forgiveness, in order to be let back into the group.

But the group is an illusion. Most of the group have the same problems you do. In a healthy group, assuming those sins were actually bad, you could comfort and support each other. Instead, you're given the impression that you're the odd duck.

Is it any wonder that many, many Mormons struggle with depression, no doubt brought on by feelings of inadequacy and guilt?

As Pink Floyd so eloquently put it... "All in all, it's just another brink in the wall"

The wall which holds Mormons hostage inside a religion which teaches eternal progression and divine potential, but keeps it's membership as slaves to it's goals of control and corporate growth.