New Years Pursuits

As I mentioned over on my other blog, while the past month or two has been filled with feelings of intense optimism and excitment for the future, I've been unable to find a way to verbalize exactly what these feelings mean and what kind of effect I think they'll have on my life.

As I start this new year, I realize there are a couple of things holding me back, which need to be dealt with before I can move on.

Over the last couple of years I've wrestled with my relationship to the LDS Church. I was raised in it, and much of who I am is as a result of it's teachings, but along with that has come some cognitive dissonance. When it comes to things like freedom of choice and truth, it's hard to reconcile the teaching of the Church with the teachings and Actions of the Church.

The problem I face is that while I want to just walk away from it, there are family relationships which it will have a very negative effect on. While trying to compensate for that I've been found myself trying to deal with maintaining some level of activity within the organization, which results in a great deal of negative feelings, many of which have found themselves being blurted out in posts on this blog.

Mormon teachings indicate that should a person leave the faith, they will become the most bitter of apostates, spending all their time fighting against God's one true Church - well at least that time that they don't spend getting drunk, doing drugs or participating in mass sex orgies, some of which may include animals.

I'm not feeling like that is the case with me, and I've been pleasantly surprized to find an entire online community at places like Main Street Plaza, where people have left and continued on to bigger and better things. There is however a certain amount of unresolved emotion due to the fact that I'm discarding beliefs which I've held as truth for most of my life, and constant reminders each week on Sunday make that difficult.

I still teach a Sunday School class, and this years course of study will be as tricky as last to try and work with. I made a personal decision not to undermine the organization in my lessons, but at the same time, I don't want to be a vehicle to perpetuating false ideas, which can be tricky at times.

This year I want to focus on the positive however, and in places where I can, I want to leave it behind and leave it alone as well. I'm going to try and change the tone of this blog into a far more positive one.

People are inherently good, and I really want to focus on that. In addition, I really want to focus on my relationships with my wife and kids, which while excellent at this point could still be better.

The other struggle I've had is with my family - specifically the one I grew up with. They're good people, but the relationship has grown increasingly toxic as time has passed. Followers of this blog may recall some of what happened at the beginning of 2009, most of which I removed from the blog when I took it public again. We're still not talking, something mostly resulting from lack of communication on my part, and only because I don't want to fight about it.

Like I said they're good people, but there are some issues with control and manipulation that I'm tired of dealing with.

I still have no idea how to deal with it, and so for now, I think we'll just keep things the same.

The final thing is debt... With an economy in the toilet and a job lower compensation, in exchange for good environment and stability, things are a little tight. Add to that 5 growing kids and things aren't necessarily easy.

Our spending has slowed, but we still have a rather sizable credit card balance.

With the new year, we're trying out a plan, and I'll keep you posted on how it goes. We're actually in for a rather fun step tonight, which I might post something on tomorrow, depending on the outcome.

So my New Year changes in a nutshell:

1 - Less bitching about religion and more focus on positive stuff in my life.
2 - See if I can figure out anything with the extended family
3 - Pay down debt.