When I Knew...

There have been a number of blog posting amongst friends of mine recently about that point when they knew. Generally it's surrounding the identification of their homosexual feelings, but a few have referenced it as they've talked about their journey out of Mormonism. There are similarities to the process, although with that said, I consider the implications of coming out of the Gay closet to be far worse that coming out of the Mormon closet.

I ended 2009 with a very strong desire to not discuss the LDS Church on this blog and move on with my life - hence the new header! It's a fine line I walk between having an outlet to vent my frustration, and turning into the bitter, angry ex-mormon which I have been told for years I would become if I left.

I think I still have some demons to flush out however, as evidenced by my feelings recently and which I spoke about yesterday.

I thought today might be a good time to share the story about When I Knew....

The journey has been more of a process for me than a single point, but while progressing through that process, there is one point that stands out above the rest.

I used to work for the corporate side of the LDS Church. I held various positions in various departments and while I learned a great deal, I also experienced some pretty shitty things as well. Perhaps those are best saved for another post though.

After 5 years of employment though, I was starting to question the organization. The higher I got, it seemed the more crap I was allowed to know about. I had another co-worker who had progressed a little higher in the organization than me, and had a real crisis of faith shortly before I met him. We talked about it a lot, and by mid-2006, I was having a real struggle with the Church myself.

I've always been a diligent servant of the Church. Previous bishops have often referred to my wife and I as part of the elite 10 in the ward... I'm not sure how common this elite 10 thing is, but apparently amongst ward leadership, they've found that only about 10 are willing and able to do the big callings and do them well.

By mid 2006, my wife had been Primary President (3-12 year old organization) for over a year. She did a fantastic job from what I saw, but every Sunday morning would find her in tears, feeling guilty about not doing enough, feeling like she didn't have the support of the bishop and a whole host of other completely unfounded reasons for guilt and feelings of inadequacy. And usually every Sunday, I would give her the speech about what a great job she was doing, and how the Bishop was doing a really great job, she just didn't appreciate all the things he had going on.

I've been apologizing for that last thing ever since...

Early in 2006, the Bishop attended Priesthood, and spent 30 minutes chewing us all out about playing video games. As he put it, they were childish things and it was inappropriate for men of God to spend their time playing these things. I took it all with a grain of salt, and continued playing on my own.

There's a whole bunch more to this story, but it would take too long to play. It wasn't that I didn't want to play video games anymore, it was just that the group of us that would play kind of fell apart, and then some well meaning idiot apparently told the bishop that I was following his words with exactness.

Mid 2006, we were at a picnic for the ward, and the bishop came over to talk to me (Kind of a first for him) and was asking about my job and long term goals and stuff. I though it nice that a chosen servant of God would actually take an interest in my life. I know now that it was more of a job interview than any feeling of concern on his part for my welfare or that of my family. Our ward was pretty transient and so they had a hard time finding people to stick around. Apparently I answered the questions correctly, because the next Sunday I was summoned to the Stake offices...

The gentleman I met with is one for whom I had and still have a great deal of respect. He asked me to be the Executive Secretary for the ward we attended. For those who don't know, that's the guy who tracks all the appointments for the bishop and his councilors, takes minutes in meetings and all of that. It was the most prestigious position offered to me up to that point.

I thought back on all the experiences of the past few years, all the hard work I'd been doing in Sunday School, Elders Quorum and the Scouting program, and by the end of that day, I was convinced it had all been a trial from God to see if I was worthy for a BIG calling.

My name got presented in Church, hands were all raised in unanimous support of my being called to that position, and I received a special blessing following Church to set me apart as the ES and give me all the spiritual tools necessary to perform my duties.

Things were going great and I was feeling pretty damn important that finally God has realized all the hard work I'd been doing to try and move ahead. Mormons are going to take issue with that statement, but I would think it's probably a pretty standard way to feel amongst the membership...

Tuesday night, the bishop asked me to come to the scheduled meetings an hour early, so that he could train me.

Still feeling good, and now I get one on one training, from the Bishop too!!! Does life get any better?

Arriving early, I ended up chatting with one of the young men in the ward. I'd played Halo with a couple of them in the past. They're a lot better than the group I usually played with, but they can also play video games without losing their tempers and throw little tantrums (Ask me about Brother "I have sex with my dog" sometime!)

He asked if I wanted to join them (a group of 17 and 18 year old) for a night of carnage and bloodshed the following Friday. The week just kept getting better!!

And then came that fateful moment...

The bishop called me in, and sat me down.

The first words out of his mouth were:

God has chosen you to be the executive secretary in our ward because of your obedience to my commandment for you to stop playing XBox.

In that instant I knew he was full of crap. And not only that, I realized that the whole Church concept was just a structure for egotistical jackasses to unleash their control on a group of unsuspecting and totally unquestioning souls.

It's not that this was an isolated instance, it was just the pivotal moment, when all the clues I'd been given up to that point, finally broke through all the brainwashing and I saw the organization for what it was.

I'm still struggling with the remaining programming I received through 30 years of church affiliation, but with each day I move a little further away.