It's an interesting thing... I have the M-Dot symbol on the back of both of our family cars. It's the symbol for IronMan. A couple of weeks back, we were on the freeway, and a car honked at us, after they came by, I noticed an M-Dot on the back of their car as well.
Doing an IronMan makes you part of a family of sorts. You've shared an common experience with a very select group of people.
Blood family is great, but sometimes shared experiences outside of the blood family give you a new family.
I have another family as well. It's unique in the fact that many of you I have never really met, ever in cyberspace, and there are only a couple who I've actually met in real life, and yet, I feel a very strong bond with many of you due to our share experiences.
I made the comparison to IronMan, because those share experiences often involve a great deal of emotional and physical pain, and it is those things which seem to strengthen the bond.
Why do I bring this up you may ask?
Through a series of experiences this past week, I've come to the point where I need to do something definitive about my relationship with my parents. Unfortunately I have no idea what that definitive step is, or should be. I don't hate them, but I'm sick of the games, sick of the lying and sick of the emotional abuse. Not that I've spoken to them in almost 2 years, but somehow they still have some control over me.
I either need to tell them I'm done with them for good, or try and find a way to work through this with them.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I've made the decision to seek out some professional help. Someone who can look at the situation from the outside and help me figure out what that decision needs to be.
So where do you as my family in all of this come in...
I'm considering blogging that experience, as well as the aftermath, whatever form that may take.
So the decision still needs to be made whether to share it or not.
I'm not a very private person. If you want to know what my salary is, I'd tell you. If you want details of my big confessional with my mission president, I'll tell you that as well.
But... In this case, I don't think the details are something that I'm comfortable sharing with the whole world - for a number of reasons.
I'm considering the option of starting a private blog with a very select group of readers, and/or possibly even just sending out email updates on occasion to that same group.
I'll still keep my current blogs up, but they won't have near the level of intimacy I think I want to or think I might get into.
If that part of my life is something which interests you, or which you may benefit from - The journey out of Mormonism is something which we all need help with from time to time - please let me know.
If I do decide to go the route of sharing, I'll send you an invite.
Just send me either the email address you use for blogger, or if you don't have one, your regular address will do as well.
Many of you already have my email address, or have access to me on Facebook, and if not, simply send your requests to mike at urbankoda dot com.
I was pretty confused for a minute, because I thought you were talking about a symbol for Iron Man (as in the guy in the flying metal suit).
ReplyDeleteBut yes, I would like to read your protected blog.
You raise a valid point there Kuri... I have edit the blog to help others avoid the same problem.
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested as well, but absolutely no pressure and every wish for the best possible ending, whatever that may be, with the least pain.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts.
So, uh, what is your salary?
ReplyDeleteAnd what happened with your mission president? That sounded interesting...
I either need to tell them I'm done with them for good, or try and find a way to work through this with them.
ReplyDeleteAlso, my thought, which you didn't ask for but will get because you allow anonymous comments on your blog, is don't close the door yet. Who knows? You may want to go through it in a few years. Family is a funny thing. I've heard several stories of family members who said they didn't want to speak to each other again and then one of them died and the other really regretted not mending the relationship. I've never heard someone say that they regretted keeping the door of reconciliation open.
Put me on the list:)
ReplyDeleteAnonymous... It's a hair of $50k a year, which doesn't go far with a family of 7 unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteI'll blog the Mission President story, since it is an interesting one, and ties in with some of the sex posts I've ready recently... (Did I just up the stakes? :-) )
And on your advise... That's my dilemma... Don't want to burn bridges, but... The last year and a half have actually been very, very pleasant, aside from the nagging guilt that I need to deal with it, and the relationship has always been pretty dysfunctional.
Bridges may have been burnt already though, as far as they're concerned. Some of the stuff I've learned recently has actually been pretty disturbing.
But all that is why I think I need an outside professional to help me work through it.
Juri, Lisa and TGW... If I do it, you'll definitely be included.
ReplyDeleteKoda,
ReplyDeleteAs a proud and loving member of your cyberspace family, consider me in.
I don't know what your troubles are with your blood family, but here's some advice I once heard from a wise mentor:
We tend to believe we have some obligation to stay a family with the family we were raised in. We don't.
Let go of the struggle over what your relationship with your family is supposed to be. We mistakenly believe that somehow we are supposed to continue to nurture a relationship with those we were close to as children. But God put our parents and our siblings in our lives for a specific time and purpose. When that time is through, there is no need to fight to keep the relationship alive.
That is not to say you should kill it. But drift away into your own direction, with your contact with family allowing itself to fade into a background role, a minor one, or no role at all. Continue to love them all, but stop trying to please. Go about your business while you move in and out of your new friendships in life.
Your family fulfilled their major purpose, which was to get to adulthood. Love them and move on. Keep them in your life only if you wish, and even then on a long tether which doesn't keep them close enough to bother you. They served a purpose, but when they are no longer useful -indeed, when their presence becomes harmful- lovingly and firmly let them fade from your conscious presence. No need to make an official break, just let it fizzle gradually like other friendships often do.
In a word, keep them in your heart if you wish, but don't let them bug you. They don't matter to you now. Their role in your life is over. Let them be as they will be, but detach yourself emotionally from any negative hold they have on you. Let go. Let them be themselves while continue to grow into yourself.
Thanks Rock... Excellent advise. Perhaps the key to the whole thing is a desire of their part to continue to control my life, and there in lies the heart of the problem. What seems to be needed is to determine the state and structure of an appropriate relationship, and then let it develop naturally whether it becomes closer, or leads each party further apart.
ReplyDeletePut me on the list too. ; )
ReplyDeleteI'm always there for you, too. Please include me. We need to ride bikes together again.
ReplyDeleteFunny... I was just thinking last night that we needed to head out on the bikes again! I'm tied up for the next 2 weekends, but after that, I could definitely go for a little riding!
ReplyDelete