My apologies for the lack of bloggage this week. The issues with my parents have been weighing on my mind, and then factor in the potential refinance of our home, plus I had a job interview, and I've been recovering from a serious weekend of endurance racing, and top it off with not as much sleep as I should have, and I find myself feeling stressed out, lightly depressed and feeling the need for something different.
I've drafted a letter to my parents. I realized that explaining things to them won't work, and confrontation isn't the way to go either. I think they want to reconcile, but I offered pretty much everything they now want when this whole thing first went south, and it blew up in my face.
They've tried various forms of manipulation, from guilt to intimidation, and even went to so far as to attempt to kick me out of the family.
I think about all of that, and the question I keep coming back to is... Do I really want to try and work things out, if that is what I'm going back to?
I don't know the answer, and that is pretty much what my letter says. It's very unemotional, very detached from the situation, and basically just informs them that the time isn't right to resolve this.
I really don't know what the future holds there. I need to do some growing up, since I think the biggest problem is that emotionally I can still be manipulated by them, largely due to experiences I've had with them in the past, and I think they are going to have to reach a point when they are willing to give up controlling (or attempting to control) me.
Ultimately I think that is what this all comes down to... Control of my life. They want it, I'm not willing to let them have it, but past experiences may allow them to have it... Actually considering how crappy this whole thing has made me feel, it's probably safe to say I am still allowing them to control me.
Moving on... A number of friends have posted recently about leaving the Church, and how they're reconciling all of that in their lives. I don't mean the following to be critical of their decisions, as I think this is something each of us have to deal with on our own and in our own way.
Many talk about how Mormonism is their tribe, and forms their roots and how it will always be there for them.
I'm having a hard time with that. In all honesty, I don't feel like a Mormon at all.
I've been trying to figure out why I'm feeling different from others who have left, and I think it may have to do with my background.
When I was growing up, we lived in a part of the world where Mormonism was not very popular. The closest member were at least a mile away, and most were further than that.
I had a good friend who was a member, but I think we would have been friend even without the Church. Our friendship wasn't church based, which I think is cool. He doesn't know I've left - at least not as far as I know, and I don't think it would matter too much to him if or when he finds out.
The rest of the folks at Church... Well, I didn't associate with them too much. I was too shy and the girls were generally a little too snobby, and so I didn't ever really date any Mormon girls. The other kids my age and I didn't really get on that well either, and there was a definite level of animosity between their families and mine - I blogged about this years ago in a post called Versus.
So most of my friends were non-mormons. I went to non-mormon parties, dated non-mormon girls and while my standards were mormon standards, I don't think anyone ever pegged me for a mormon, unless they knew.
In recent years, when people have found out about my membership, they've generally been surprised, which I take as a huge compliment. I don't think it's because I'm a big drinker, or anything like that. I think generally Mormons - especially in Utah, tend to be of the judgmental, holier than thou types.
So... Do I consider myself a Mormon? Not really. Do I think it is integral to who I am... Not really. Do I have this desire to claim it as part of my history... Not really either.
In all honesty, I could walk away from the Church today (In many ways I already have) and if I never mentioned Mormonism, or anything like that ever again, I don't think it would bug me very much at all.
That's all for today... I'm having a strange feeling... Normally after posts like this I feel a little angry and depressed, but right now it's like a weight has been lifted. It feels good. Perhaps that's a sign I'm on the right track.
Hey Koda,
ReplyDeleteMy experience has been much like yours. I walked away from the church and haven't looked back. I grew up in the church and went for 30+ years, but I do not consider Mormons my tribe. I feel no loss of community. My friends in the church are still my friends on the street and my acquaintances in the church have been displaced by new acquaintances, which I've found to be more of a geographic relationship than anything.
I never hear about a father and sons campout and feel remorse. I have yet to feel regret for not having gone on a pioneer trek pushing a hand cart. And, I never enjoyed home teaching (giving or receiving). The only things I could have forecasted I would miss would have been relationships. But, as I mentioned before, my true relationships lasted and my acquaintances shifted.
Maybe you and I should have our heads examined for not feeling a sense of tribe loss? Between you and me, I've done all the Mormonism related examining that I care to for a lifetime. When the tribe starts acting consistently with their doctrine and begins to be transparent and loving like Christ....well, that's a tribe to walk away from feeling some sort of conflict. Until then, I can f*@k with my own head without putting on a tie.
Take care my friend....and get some sleep!
Koda, I envy you. Not the dealing with the family part--not at all--but in the feelings of general and individual detachment from the church and its culture.
ReplyDeleteI think I feel such attachment because it was the first place that really welcomed me, made me feel like I belonged and gave me amazing friends. The church took root in me.
I also know of a lot of people who are very strict and judgmental. People who I both love and fear. People who, despite their shortcomings, did some things that earned them a special place in my heart.
And I'm unfortunately a people-pleaser and struggle with "rebelling" just because of them. They were and are my mom, my sister, my best friend--my father and brothers too. I don't want to lose their respect--and sometimes, no matter what you do, you run the probability of losing that.
I can't imagine my family (DH's included) turning against me. We've had snide comments and looks, but nothing CLOSE to being shunned completely.
But I have lost a close friend, and I'm terrified of losing the trust and bond I have with my SIL--we used to be so close and though we're not anymore, I love her to pieces. I am TERRIFIED.
I want these people, but I don't want their culture and their beliefs and every stupid judgment that comes with it. I want to separate these things, but you and I both know that's not always possible.
Long response, my apologies. Perhaps I should blog on this ;)
It's good to see you at my new blog, btw. Just awesome.
Montello... "I can f*@k with my own head without putting on a tie. " That's pure gold!!!
ReplyDeleteLisa, thanks for the invite to your blog - I've missed you LMTC posts, and for some reason I struggled getting to your almost pretty posts.
With respect to my detachment, I think there have been some other factors...
Growing up in the Church, I guess my presence has always just kind of been taken for granted, although... Based on how I was treated when I first moved to New Zealand, if I still lived there I probably would feel some sense of loss. Actually I told my wife that if we ever moved over there, I might consider going to Church again, purely because I liked the people - Montello mentioned if they actually started "loving like Christ" and the Kiwi's do that, at least in the ward I was in.
Also, about 2 years ago, right as my disaffection was really starting to kick in, I joined a triathlon club. Surprisingly, even being in Utah, most of the members are non-Mormon. They have been incredibly welcoming and friendly, and I train regularly with them, swap emails and a lot of us are in constant contact through facebook. Not that I was ever really accepted in by the Church, but being welcomed into another group has really, really helped!!
Interestingly enough, I joined another tri club earlier this year, which is closer to where I live... It's a very Mormon club, with almost all announcements including something about how they will not train on Sundays. They're not as welcoming... But then again I love to train on Sundays - you just have to make sure you're clear of any chapel parking lots when they open the doors at the end of services. The thing is, if you ask my club affiliation, it's still that first club, and I suspect I'll be a "Shark" for many years to come.
There are still some obstacles to go... My wife's family don't really know about the extent of my disaffection - they think I just had a small disagreement with my bishop and one day I'll swallow my pride and get my recommend back.... Not likely!!
The family stuff has sucked, but in some ways it's been good. I should probably blog about this, but... When I left on mission, my dad got called as a bishop and then a stake president. They also discovered the Covey book on Effective Families. Something happened while I was gone... They kind of - don't know if imploded is the word - but became really family centered and cut off from the outside world. It had always been them vs the world, but it became really bad once I left. Since I got back I've kind of been in no man's land. Not quite an outsider, but not on the inside either. It made for a lot of awkward situations, but since communication stopped it's actually be a lot better. You know the old - either be hot or cold, not luke warm scripture...
I suspect my comment might now be even longer than yours!
I totally know where you are coming from as far as not missing the church and I totally agree with MontelloOffGrid! I think it has a lot to do with your experiences in it and your personality. I’m not social and I didn’t rely on the members for socialization or anything else really. So now I don’t miss it at all. But that’s me. I can see how you could miss it if you enjoyed the activities and association with the people in your ward. I didn’t.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the job interview and triathlon!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear about continued family struggles. I do think that with time they get easier.
I think you have hit the nail squarely on the head with regard to why some cling to the church and why some are able to let go. I grew up in the heart of Mormondom. If you grow up in Utah the church is not just your religion. The church is your culture and your community. Members of your ward are your neighbors, you go to school with them, you go to work with them, and you go through all of the rites of passage with them as you grow up. If I were to try and completely purge myself of Mormonism it would be like trying to forget 27 years... You just can't do it.
I grew up Mormon in a tiny Mormon town, but I never felt like I fit in or belonged there. I don't miss the community part of it at all. I don't feel like some part of me is still Mormon.
ReplyDeleteReading about your struggles with your family always makes me so sad. My heart goes out to you.
This is a really interesting perspective, I think, mostly because I don't really understand it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't grow up in majority Mormon areas, so I think that, perhaps, the whole "no other Mormon for at least a mile" might have been true for me too (but I sense that you're trying to establish a sense of isolation that's even more than mine has ever been), but as a result, I knew where the differences lay.
For example, for much of elementary, junior high, and high school, I lived in Oklahoma (that's where my family still 'lives', actually). So, not only were the people I hung out with not likely to be Mormon, but they were likely to be an active kind of Evangelical or something like that that believed Mormonism was a cult.
So growing up for me was about defending Mormonism -- even though I didn't believe in it, and I resented that I had to defend it.
So, for me, being Mormon isn't about fitting in with Mormons, or about identifying with Mormon beliefs. It's recognizing that there is a distinction between being an ex-Mo and being a never-Mo. I know too much to be a "non-Mormon;" I know too much to just sit by while others criticize the church, because even if I have some of the same criticisms, I feel like they -- outsiders -- just don't know the full story or just don't get it. At worst, I feel like, as someone who grew up Mormon, regardless of my current beliefs, an attack on the church is an attack by proxy on me, my past, my history, my family.
I feel something like, "I can make fun of my family, but you can't."
Thanks Guys and Gals!!
ReplyDeleteAndrew, I can definitely see it from your perspective, and since defecting, I don't know if I've been in a position to defend the Church... So I'm not sure how I would react. I would hope I'd be able to correct any misunderstanding they might have, but also be able to give a good objective view of exactly what the organization is.
Perhaps things will change over time with me... I've only been out for about 3 years, before which I was a true blue, dyed in the wool Mormon who genuinely believed that the prophet spoke to god and all of that...
I defended it then, but having found out that much of what I was defending was a lie, has really soured me. I'm tired of being angry and bitter about it though.
I just don't feel like the Church is my family anymore... Of course I don't feel like part of my family is my family any more either...
It's just sad how screwed up religion can make things.
I would hope I'd be able to correct any misunderstanding they might have, but also be able to give a good objective view of exactly what the organization is.
ReplyDeleteThat's really how I feel like sense (dis)affecting. I mean, some of the ideas people have about the church are just ridiculous, so I correct gross inaccuracies, but at the same time, I don't feel 'tied' to the standard white-washed church answers, AND most importantly, if someone asks, "How can someone believe this?" I can always say, "Well, I don't, so I dunno." I guess that since enough time has passed, I don't feel that I must have a personal stake in the outcome (I'm not trying to convert anyone), but I still have some understanding to share.
I definitely had a different experience on the family/church front relationship-wise. I just couldn't imagine -- but then again, I've never been treated so terribly -- not feeling like family is family. IMO, family is family regardless of EVERYTHING that happens. Even if you're estranged, kicked out, not speaking to each other, you can't escape your history and roots. That's why I feel it's really terrible for family members to mistreat each other -- because they ARE tied and it DOES hurt more when someone close does it.