Sybiosis

One of the 'problems' with breaking a cycle in how you raise your kids, relative to how you were raised, is that you have to develop a whole new set of skills in order to deal with problems.

We have a kid who is one of the most sensitive and good natured little souls you could hope to meet. As a kid we butted heads a few times, but generally it was just trying to find out where my parenting styles needed to change.

On one occasion, after several bouts of disagreement about his appearance out in public, I followed the advice of a good friend and just let him decide. He opted to wear his pajamas to the store, and you'd think it was Christmas with the smile he had on his face, skipping into the store.

I'm learning to overcome my pride!

Recently though, he's developed some amazing skills... We have a room with toys, right next to the room where the kids watch TV. In the course of the day, toys will migrate into the TV room, and get mixed up in blankets, pillows, and an assortment of dishes.

I used to get on the kids a couple of times a week about tidying up, but it was getting really old, so I put new rule in place...

When the mess gets too bad, I let them know, and then before the TV gets turned on again, the mess has to be cleaned.

This works well on 3 of the 5 kids. The youngest just doesn't get it yet, and the oldest... This is where his mad skills come in.

If I'm not around he'll just turn the TV on, and then claim forgetfulness when I ask him why the room isn't clean.

He messed up on Sunday, and tried the forgetfulness excuse twice within 5 minutes.

Sorry Dude... I'm not that dumb.

So tidying up began...

Except miraculously he vanished, only to appear 10 minutes later when it was clean and demanded that the channel be changed to what he wanted to watch.

He's started with the back talk as well.

Now I'm all for freedom of expression, and with the right of a kid to offer an opposing opinion, but it's gotten a little out of hand lately.

If I pulled some of the stuff he has recently, I would have found myself backhanded across the face and/or thrown against a wall.

So, we had to have a chat...

The problem is, due to recent changes in my beliefs, certain methods of coercing him to do what I asked aren't necessarily on the table. I could do them, but using them would create an ethical dilemma and would no doubt come back to bite me in the ass.

Actually the whole idea of coersion was one I really wanted to avoid. I'd like him to change based on a desire within himself.

Specifically I didn't feel like I could use fear to manipulate him into doing what I would like him too, and this could take form in one of two ways.

First, the good old christian way of "If you love me, do what I say", loosely paraphrased from John 14:15.

The idea is that somehow obedience is directly link to your love for the person from whom it is expected. Unfortunately I've had plenty of experience with this one in the past, and am currently experiencing it in a rather severe way myself. Me no likey!

The thing is that I love the kid, and that won't change whether he's a lazy sponge on our family and/or society or whether he's super engaged and playing an active role in either group.

Which them leaves option two... Guilt and or threats of violence.

Violence is off the table, because among other reasons, I didn't like it as a kid, and I know how I feel about my parents now.

Guilt, I'm not a fan of that either, and it's further complicated by the fact, that despite the impression he gives of being tough, and willing to stand up to me, he, like other kids, lacks self confidence and could really use some building up.

And so I felt a little lost in how to deal with this. I could let him continue, but he's turning into a slob, and is not likely to do well, once he leaves home (Although he has expressed a desire to live in our basement for the rest of his life.)

I called him into the kitchen yesterday while I was cooking brunch (which was actually at 2pm, but we had a late start!).

I told him how much I loved him, and that nothing would change that. I then talked about how my experiences with my parents weren't great - especially when it can to choices I could make and how I conducted myself.

I then talked about my motivations for wanting him to help out around the house, and particularly the long term consequences of how those habit would affect his life.

And that was kind of when it hit... Symbiosis!

He loves reading about animals, and has grown a particular affinity for the theory of evolution and it's role in the earth. He's a smart kid!

And so we talked about symbiosis in nature and compared it with parasitism - which has pretty been much his core belief of late!

We talked about a lot of things, but it all come down to the fact that our species thrives when it practices symbiotic relationships, and doesn't do so well when it doesn't.

I told him it was up to him to decide is he wanted to continue to be a parasite, or if he wanted to change - In context, I don't think it actually came across as harshly as it sounds there!

He expressed a desire to change, and I expressed a desire to help him where I could.

I asked him to set the table for brunch after that, and he actually seemed excited to help.

I'm sure he'll need some reminders in the weeks to come, but I think it ended on a good note.