I don't know exactly what it is...
I've had some interesting feelings lately.
When it comes to things of a religious nature, I don't want to be part of a religion, but I kind of want to be part of a community. My tri club kinda works, but most of the members live an hour away from me, and so I can't hang out with them as much as I would like, and it would be nice if my family was able to be involved.
I'm a member of another tri club, closer to where I live, but it has definite Mormon overtones... I don't think a single newsletter from the club hasn't mentioned - Sunday workouts will not be sponsored or supported by the club. Sunday is when I get most of my best workouts in, and working out is when I feel the most in touch with the universe - that's about as spiritual as I get.
And like I said before, none of those clubs really involve my family.
So I have this desire to belong. I've thought about the Unitarians, but Mrs Koda isn't so keen.
The next thing, is that I'm losing interest in Mormonism. I'm not angry any more - at least not too much, and I just don't want to be associated with it either. The weird thing, is that I still find myself acting the part when I'm around people who don't think I've left. When I'm around people in my neighborhood though, it's just awkward.
I think stuff has been said about me. Mrs Koda and the kids have had attempted visits and stuff like that, but I've had nothing. I'm not complaining, and I don't really care - except that deep down the little Mormon boy still does.
I'm feeling mostly free of all of it, but there are still a couple of strings that still need to be cut.
It's causing other issues too.
Maybe I'm going through a low period right now... And yet personally I feel great.
It's observing what Mormonism has done to those I care about that still gets me, and I wish I could help them, but I can't. It's painful, but it has to be a journey each person starts and completes themselves. We can only support them along the way.
I've thought about stepping out of the Post Mormon community as well. Just being done with all of it. But I feel some obligation to the community. Leaving something like Mormonism sucks! And those who do face isolation and loneliness. The best thing for me has been finding people who are in the same place, or have made the journey before.
The Church makes you think something is wrong with you if you want to leave. And it become self fulfilling prophesy.
People need to know they're not alone.
Maybe I'm just burned out...
I think your feelings of burn out mean maybe you're done grieving for your own loss -- what Mormonism literally stole from you -- and you see the world is so much bigger than Mormonism. Like a million times bigger. So the anger dissipates as it should.
ReplyDeleteBut it's still part of your past, still imposes its ugly head in your life, and negatively affects people you love. Maybe you're moving on in a healthy way but will still occasionally find it appropriate to call the spade of LDS Inc. a spade. Because it is.
I sure hope so! I've never actually formally sat down and looking at the grieving process, and tried to work out where I was in it, but it would be nice if it were over - at least mostly over.
ReplyDeleteWhy isn't Mrs. Koda keen on a Unitarian church? Can you have some kind of arrangements where she goes to her Mormon community, and you go to the church or group of your choice?
ReplyDeleteI'm not 100% sure and I can't really speak for her exact feelings. The reasons are probably far more complex than this, but I think it comes down to this...
ReplyDeleteLeaving Mormonism destroyed my belief in God, but I still like the idea of a community.
She still believes in God, but isn't so keen on the community idea. Mormon, Unitarian or whatever flavor you choose.
I think, Koda, that we all go through this. I thought I was done over a year ago, but it came back. I still go through periods where I wash my hands of Mormonism but inevitably it comes back.
ReplyDeleteI can't leave it alone? IT CAN'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
I'm sure within time it'll be a matter of "whatev" for me, but it'll be a while if this is any indication. I'm learning to roll with it.
Go with how you feel. There's no saying you can't take a break. It might be permanent, it might not be, but go with it. Happens, I think, to us all.
PS: I tried the Unitarians too but had a fierce panic attack upon entering the building. I think I'm just done with religion as a whole and perhaps with the community thing too. I don't know. At heart I'm an anti-social lazy girl, but I want to have friends so my kids can...I dunno. I want friends, but I've always been a home girl. Quality over quantity, though that's not always best, either.
I'm with you <3
I've really enjoyed your blog and reading back through your older posts. Your blog is one that really resonated with me for some reason. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI tried the Unitarians too. It's far more open than Mormonism, and it's a great liberal community, but it's still an organized religion, and subject to the same sort social drama that exists in Mormon wards. You know, prima donna ministers, holier than thou types, etc. While those sorts exist in any group or workplace, I decided I wanted my spiritual time free of that sort influence, and have opted out of organized religion. One thing I love about exmos is that we are for the most part free thinkers and open minded people. It's hard to find a community where one hears so little bullshit, IMO. Also, I agree with Lisa, no matter how long you're out of Mormonism and how far removed, it never fails to boomerang back at times. The Mormons just can't leave you alone.
ReplyDeleteThanks Donna and Lisa - I really, really, really want to get out of the Jello belt, since I think that would help a little.
ReplyDeleteMy gaseous friend... You are most welcome! I've been thoroughly enjoyed yours as well.
I think we all go through burn out and just want to get away from all of it. Me included, I'm extremely tired of the Jello belt as well and would love to get away. My dream would be to move into a neighborhood of respectful ex-mo's where we could have neighborhood BBQ's (on Sunday - gasp!), and no one will judge us for having a beer.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, stumbling onto blogs like this has been theraputic for me. My DH just started a blog and would love to get some lurkers and especially commenters. Feel free to visit: www.celestialrodeo.blogspot.com
OMG Fanny... Your DH is a scream!
ReplyDeleteHey, if you happen to live in the Davis County/Weber County regions on the Jello belt, give me a holler offline ( mike at kodafit dot com ). You'd be surprise how many of us there are out here, and get togethers are always great - plus I could use a few more friends to share a beer with!!)
Sorry Koda. Utah County here. Yes, I'm suffocating just typing this. I'm sure you can imagine the repression among us poor souls down here in Zion...
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to add, except, I know *exactly* what you mean.
ReplyDeleteI seem to go through phases where I need to rant about mormonism and then phases where I'm like "I just want to quit talking about/thinking about it." I definitely consider the blog roll I have now to be my "post mormon support group" though. I know what you mean about feeling an obligation to stick around for other people.
ReplyDelete