I have a friend who has had a significant impact on my life. Many years ago I was working as a production manager for a small manufacturing facility, and despite the owner being a good "Mormon", the constant dishonesty, nepotism and lousy management made it a hard place to work.
After a particularly rough day at work which culminated in a motivational speech by the owner, which was basically just an hour rant about how much I sucked, I returned home depressed, disillusioned and desperate for something.
This friend had recently been assigned as our home teacher, and feeling as though I had no where else to turn, I call him and asked if I could talk.
I arrived at his home about 15 minutes later, as he was sending his wife and kids out for dinner. He then sat with me for a couple of hours and helped me work through some career goals, different options I could consider, and he even hooked me up with a couple of excellent contacts in order to pursue those goals.
If you were to look at his stats as a home teacher, he was pretty dismal, but the sad thing, is that in the fulfillment of his duties, he was one of the best we've ever had. For those unfamiliar with the concept of a home teacher... It's something in the LDS Church. Basically each family is assigned 2 men to ensure that the families spiritual and temporal needs are met. To help facilitate this, the Church prescribes at least 1 visit monthly.
Anyway, so in one afternoon of caring and support, this friend altered my entire career.
He did other stuff too... He and his wife would invite us around for game nights, and we got to meet a whole host of other people in the neighborhood.
He and his wife have the kind of marriage which I wanted as well. From what I understand they were both the not so active Mormon kind of folks, but after their marriage they worked together to get back into full activity and become solid, contributing members.
They moved from the neighborhood some years ago, and then we moved as well. The game nights lasted for a while, but they had a new neighborhood, and needed to integrate into that. Over time we've lost touch. I saw him a couple of years ago on the train, but after a quick exchange of pleasantries, his phone rang and he was gone.
I heard a rumor that he and his wife had split some time ago. It was a little disappointing, but we didn't have anything to confirm if they were or weren't.
I finally bumped into him again online a couple of days ago, and we had a brief exchange of ideas.
We may be at a similar place religiously. I cite working for the Church as my main motivation, and he cited his divorce...
Well that confirmed the splitting up part.
When a couple that you admire splits up, it makes you reflect on your own situation. Could we be in danger of divorce in the years to come? Rumor has it that couples who leave the Church have a fairly high level of divorce. I have some theories on this, which I may blog about tomorrow...
We've talked a little more, and while I am sure there are two sides to every story, he seems to think that the key motivator for their divorce was him turning down an invitation to serve in a Bishopric.
THAT JUST SUCKS!!
When I was a kid, my dad was in bishoprics, and the amount of time he spent fulfilling his duties was excessive. I must admit that I resent it a bit, and yet Mormonism brainwashes you into thinking that if you're a good Mormon, such callings are rewards from God.
You hate the idea of having to spend that much time and energy on something which keeps you from your family, but at the same time, you've been conditioned to aspire to such positions.
No-one bitches more about their husbands being gone to meetings as much as bishopric wives, but yet you get them in testimony meetings and all they can do, is talk about all the 'blessings' they've gotten from their husbands service.
It's messed up.
I turned down a significant calling a couple of years ago. It wasn't quite Bishopric level, but it was close.
We talked about it on the way to the interview. We didn't know what it was, but I indicated to Mrs Koda that if it was something which would require a significant commitment of time, I was going to decline. Mrs Koda agreed.
We sat in the office, and the gentleman asked me to accept the specific position. Every fiber in my body screamed for me to say no, and yet 30+ years of conditioning made it hard for the words to escape my lips.
"I'll think about it"
He continued to talked about all the blessings it would bring to my family, and indicated that this was something which God wanted me to do, and then demanded that I give him an answer then and there.
I looked over at Mrs Koda for support, and got the evil eye back...
I was cornered.
Alone against 30 years of brainwashing, a supposed man of God, and a wife who almost seemed to want me to say yes.
I've come a long way. I still struggle with confrontation, but it that dark moment, I felt the urge to fight back. I wasn't as resolute as I may have wanted to be, but I told the man, that I couldn't accept it at that time, and if he was going to push me for an immediate answer, then the answer was definitely a "No".
The tension in the air grew thick. Mrs Koda was pissed, I was struggling with a major surge of adrenaline, anger, and all manner of other extreme emotions, and the 'man of god' seemed very uncomfortable.
He brought up my talk from a few weeks before... The infamous light bulb talk... Which wasn't his smartest move, and then after some additional small talk we left.
It was a rough evening. Mrs Koda knew the consequences of my saying yes, and yet deep inside of her burned the desire to have a righteous husband, and I'd just shattered that.
I'm grateful that a year or so prior, she'd realized that the time might come, when she would have to choose between the Church and me.
I'm incredibly fortunate and grateful that she decided that she would pick me.
That didn't make her dilemma any less hard to deal with, but it did help us work together to over come it.
I'm sure there may be more to the story of my friends divorce than simply him turning down a significant calling, but at the same time, I can see where something like that could eventually lead to the dissolution of even the closest of marriages.
It was pretty depressing to have the fact of their divorce confirmed, and it's been rough since that time, wondering if our marriage may suffer the same fate.
Sometimes reality sucks.
And despite all of that, Mrs Koda and I are actually getting on exceptionally well - just in case any of you were concerned!!
"...she'd realized that the time might come, when she would have to choose between the Church and me."
ReplyDeleteThis is an unfortunate choice that some mixed-religion couples have to face. I'm pleased that you and Mrs. Koda have made things work, and I wish you many happy years together.
One of the fundamental evils of LDS Inc. is the way it imposes its big ugly head smack dab in the middle of any marriage where one or both are believers. The home-wrecking monster has no problem violating all boundaries of human decency -- particularly creating marital conflict between the believing and non-believing spouses when it comes to marital intimacy, finances, and time. When both believe, they are guilted into compliance and suck it up. When only one believes, the result is irreparable harm. And doesn't LDS Inc. know it. Sure they do.
ReplyDeleteI know a couple in this precise position. She doesn't believe. He does although he is inactive. They are both good people who love each other. However, he recently announced he may want to start paying tithing -- 10% of their income -- to LDS Inc. A healthy marital partnership requires open discussion and consensus about major expenses. Yet LDS Inc. discourages that when it likely will adversely affect their bottom line. Hence they encourage basic boundary violation, contention and discord. It's evil.
Thanks Ahab!
ReplyDeleteCog Dis - absolutely evil. I think our sealer may have given a lengthy address about God being the third member of the marriage, and if not, then I've definitely heard it at other ceremonies. The problem is the "God" involved is a jealous and abusive one, and he likes to play spouses against each other for his own personal amusement.
You know, I've seen this happen too. And experienced it. When I learned I could say no, it was a fantastic day--but it FREAKED my husband out. He was quiet about it except for a few words, but it went against everything he'd ever been taught. It was my 8 years of brainwashing to his 28, you know?
ReplyDeleteHe learned later that he could say "no" too when they asked a man who got four hours of sleep per day--on AVERAGE--no joke, if he could be EQ secretary.
I told him it was impossible, that it was unfair to ask this of him, that he should say no, but he was insistent. You always always say yes. And this is hardly an antiquated teaching. A GA came to our stake last year and I hear taught the same shit in a rather direct manner.
About a month or two later, he realized he really couldn't do it. When the EQ Pres called for a last-minute meeting one day, Eric said "I can't. I want to be released."
It was a good day.
As for the divorce thing...yeah. I intend to blog about that some time, too. It's so scary, and the church gets in the way even if the two of you leave at the same time for the same reasons. We're not separating, but I'm scared sometimes.
Great post, Koda. I've also heard about God being the third person in the marriage, which is creepy on a few levels. I'm not much a fan of this asshole god, either, and want him the hell out of my marriage. I'm not sure he is entirely gone yet.
I can definitely relate.. They asked me to be the Executive Secretary, which ironically was a calling I'd been released from about a year before in a different ward, because I was running myself ragged and just couldn't keep up.
ReplyDeleteIt helps too that I am terrified of the phone, and knowing how people feel about a call to visit with the bishop made it even worse.
I may have to blog about divorce as well. I think since I left the possibility of divorce has kind of increased... It's something which is entirely possible, and something which we are very aware of and openly discuss.
However it's made our marriage more real, and made it easier to work through things.
You know that old filmstrip "Together Forever" about how you wouldn't just throw away an eternal marriage and that you had to resolve problems because it was supposed to last forever?
I would argue that the converse might be true... Knowing this may be it for us, has forced us to try to seek more out of it. Not simply exist in the marriage, but really enjoy it.
Well that, and the Alimony would simply kill me, and we'd argue about custody of the kids. We love them to death, but both of us only want visitation on holidays and every second weekend... That way we can be the fun parent, and the other one can deal with the day to day crap!!!
I am really disturbed by the fact that they tell you the only way to help your family is to spend inordinate amounts of time away from them. Missions, callings, whatever. I can't stand that they say family is so important when they make it their business to separate people from their families. Sorry if this sounds angry; my family is being a bit torn apart at the moment. It's pretty difficult for us right now. Thanks for posting.
ReplyDeleteBack when my marriage was hanging by a thread, my wife had admitted that since I lost faith in the church I had become a better husband and father. I spent more time with them than in church callings and was just happier. So, I asked her one day point blank, "What would you rather have? The caring husband and father who spends time with his children or the husband who is the bishop of the ward and is rarely at home?" Without blinking she said, "the bishop."
ReplyDelete