One of the first things a Mormon tries to find out about new people they meet is...
What is their Mormon status?
I've wondered why, and it think comes down to knowing how to speak to the person. Mormons conversations are very much based in their faith. It's why I've been struggling to relate to my neighbors. Everything is geared towards Church on Sunday, or this Church activity or that. I've lost that common bond.
There is someone I know rather well, who I suspect may be gay. Not necessarily due to any of the stereo-typical stuff you might think. He is the furthest thing from an Interior Designer I know, doesn't like the spot light, or singing or dancing, and he talks just like any other person you might meet.
If he is, I don't know about it because I suspect my religious background might scare him off, supposing that my feelings for him might change if I found it out. But I want to know...
So instead of trying to figure out a way of asking him that didn't sound like I was judging him, or putting him in an uncomfortable situation, I started wondering about why I want to know.
What does it matter if he is or isn't?
And I think I came up with the answer.
At the end of the day, it doesn't... And maybe not realizing that is part of the reason he may not be comfortable.
The only reason I should be concerned about whether the person I'm interacting with is gay, is so that I can filter parts of how I speak... But is that really honest?!
I think perhaps the real question is... How can I change myself?
I think the key is to try and develop my character, so that the things I talk about, the way I act and the conversations I engage in, would be comfortable for anyone that I was interacting with. Gay or Straight, black or white, Mormon or Non-mormon.
OK - so that last one may be a little tough, but I think if I'm truly honest, I would probably be just fine.
The whole wiki leaks thing from the past weekend kind of helped motivate that desire as well. The State, the Church and the individual should have no need to hide stuff or be exposed to embarrassment if stuff they do gets exposed.
In the great words from the scriptures...
Let your conversation be Yea Yea or Nay Nay
Honesty - quite the concept!
Will Rogers said, "live your life in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip".
ReplyDeleteAnd of course there's Psalm 51:6: "surely you desire truth in the inner parts?"
I admire your honesty aspirations here. I don't currently live my life in such a way that I would be comfortable with selling my parrot, that said, being willing to take ownership of even the not so good things in my life is where it's at for me.
ReplyDeleteAnother way of looking at this is being able to face judgment day (presumably Christ) and saying "thanks for your sacrifice brother, but I'll man up and take the consequences for that action...and that one, and the other thing! Seeing my own pattern of repentance abuse, I could no longer take myself seriously, nor those around me preaching/abusing the concept.
Deciding to man up and being honest with yourself about your behavior is an amazing step of liberation. Of course, the whole judgment day scenario has become considerably more tolerable the more agnostic/atheist I lean!!!!
I don't think it's dishonest to filter yourself. Certain conversations and language that are appropriate for one group of people might not necessarily be appropriate for another. Think of a conversation you'd have with your boss about your weekend plans and one you'd have with your wife.
ReplyDeleteI think the issue of dishonesty arises if you present yourself differently than who you are and what you believe. If you compromise those things, then I think you're being dishonest.
Quick question -- what is Mormon status? Do Mormons have an official status in their faith communities?
ReplyDeleteWith regard to being comfortable around people who are different, give it time. It takes effort and time to unlearn the thing we've been taught, and if you're conscious of your thoughts, it will get easier and easier.
From another perspective, I like to know if somebody is gay because I know how hard it can be to live in a world that doesn't accept you. If I know someone is gay I can make it a point to be supportive and let them know I understand, they have a friend in me. Especially if they know my religious background, I want them to know they're not in "hostile territory."
ReplyDeleteFor young people they call it "safe zone." Teachers and other professionals hang upside down pink triangles on their front doors or windows that says "safe zone" so young people know there is a place for them to go if things are overwhelming, frightening, or dangerous.
There is more to this than just wanting to know so you can filter your speech, I think.
@ Carla, I agree completely. I think this is an issue where motivation is critical. Yeah, it might not be so hot to, say, be morbidly curious about your friend's sex life, but it's a healthy, positive thing to be interested in learning more about that friend, and in better understanding his/her life perspective.
ReplyDeleteWow! It's like you guys don't even need me here to chat.
ReplyDeleteC.J. I loved that first quote about the parrot and I think that was part of what I was going for. The other part was that in public interactions, I don't think my choice of humor or sarcasm should be based on whom I'm talking to. If I tell a joke, it shouldn't be based on the race, religion or sexual orientation of my recipient. Of course like C.J. said, certain topics are just inappropriate, like your friends sex life, but at the end of the day, I think I'd want people to know that I am a safe zone of sorts, for anyone. I try not to judge, discriminate or anything like that.
Please don't assume that I've mastered any of that by any stretch of the imagination, but I'd like to think I'm headed in the right direction.
Mormon Status... There may be more, but I'd submit the following: Active, Inactive, Non-member and Former Members. At least in my community, a person from each status would get an entirely different type of conversation from any given neighbor, based on that status.
G'Day Winkinatcha!
ReplyDeleteI think different rules would apply to close friends. Perhaps what I was trying to say, was not so much that filters aren't needed, but more that I should have to change my basic filter based on who I'm speaking too.
And then perhaps when I'm getting more comfortable with the person, parts of that filter could be removed.
Sounds to me, like you'd be blast to have a beer with down at the pub!
Darn, n a major point I wanted to make here... just for the thinking side n cos I trust you will not be offended...
ReplyDeleteScenario:
I am entirel unassociated with any religous organisation/church.
As such my day to day dealings with my world and my people are not influenced by religous beleifs.
I make a new aquaintence and I suspect they are a devout follower of a specific religion
I am curious about how they manage to operate through the mental programming and influence of their church and whther they are capable of their own rational thoughs, whther they can make their own decisions without needing to "turn" people to THEIR way of thinking, or indeed whether they can establish a bond with someone who is not like them.
because I am generally concerned about the state of such religous people and their future mental stability and ability to cope with the happenstances that WILL occur that will cause them to question their religous beleifs, I will flavour my speech and actions so they are "aware that I am "safe" and understand their fragility and the tenuous situation they are placed in due to their religous programming, so that in the worst case scenatrio, I can be there for em if/when they break down as the conflict twixt religous beleifs and reality occurs... or in the more likely scenario they know they can have a "moment" and go off on a religous fantasy tangent when speaking with me without the fear that their rationale will be questioned, or broken.
IE they feel comfortable talking openly with me no matter what the subject.
Now please note, this is a scenario... and the purpose of such is not to discuss religion, nor attack your or any other reader's beleifs but... (and again I am not saying you are a zealot, and I TRUST you understand I am posing this scenario because I beleive you are a questioner n seeker of truth)... how would you feel about me if you discovered after time that that was part of my modus operandi?
And if instead of "religious person" I substituted "gay person" how do you think that your potentially gay friend would feel if they knew that was YOUR modus operandi?
;)
LOL Koda I have discovered that my drinking ability is a lot less than when I was a younger man... I will have to go into training if we ever meet up :)
ReplyDeleteYou'd be surprized Winkinatcha... I suspect my capacity for alcohol consumption is exceptionally low - but that may be a topic for another time :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to think back what exactly motivated this post - because it made sense to me at the time and yet, your scenario makes sense to me as well.
I think my thinking was this... If (lets call him Ted)... If Ted is gay, and I find out by some means, will that change in anyway the way in which I speak with Ted, relate to Ted or act around him? Based on the way in which I was raised... I worry that it might, and yet it shouldn't.
I would say the same rule should hold for race and gender as well.
It's part of being true to myself and true to the pursuit of not being a bigot of one sort or another.
Now... Religion brings up an entirely different suite of problems, and I would put politics in there as well. I could be honest to myself and to the pursuit of ultimate truth, but the Christian fellow I'm speaking with wouldn't appreciate it, so in his case, a filter would definitely be required.
Religion and Politics just open up a whole can of worms though... If you allowed a person to assume that you were of a similar religious or political persuasion, they might open up to you a lot more than if you corrected them right up front. You'd be able to learn more about them and they would in many ways be far more honest with you than otherwise.
But at the same time, if they found out that you were allowing them to assume that common beliefs existed, and they found that out... That could get sticky in a hurry.
So... To summarize... Treating people the same regardless of characteristics over which they have no control... Good.
Using filters based on your audience... Generally good, but care should be taken to exercise tact and avoid deception where possible.
Bottom Line: Human Interactions = Tricky!
Oh hey, and since we're still kinda new to each other!
Technically still a Mormon.
Pretty much an atheist - but would be delighted to be proven wrong - and I like the term humanist.
Repentant Conservative or Libertarian Socialist if I had to pick a political label.
Defender of Civil rights and Seeker of truth.
Oh... And Zimbabwean born, South African raised, New Zealand tinged and temporarily American.
So any rugby or cricket jokes would go over very well, as would any references to Kevin Bloody Wilson!
Awesome stuff mate, and glad I seem to have the communicaaton thing working :)
ReplyDeleteMe... Technically no religion but belief in terms that would be explainable to those that are of a particular following... IE my concept of God coexists with the more formal concepts of God... (in relation to your "humanist" concept I do liken the mass of humanity to more defined religous views regarding a "single entity" God :) )
Lefty if I had to pick a political label but I am an observer rather than participant in formalised politics.. I do my polotics on the streets :)
Defender of Truth and Seeker of Civil Rights (lol prob influence of lcale me being Aussie based)
AND most important influence on my poor twisted head... raised from the age of 11 through to 17 in isolation from mainstream society in a single family (parents n two kids, sister n me) survivalist "outpost" under the assumption (parental) that society was about to collapse, and soon the ravening hordes would be streaming up "our" valey, ready to rape pillage n burn all that I held dear, and that ultimately I would have to be able to lead, fight and grow a new society once the current one (mid seventies) collapsed.
Oh and my old man was extremely religous tho non-mainstream Christian (ex catholic) up to and including his beleif that he was "in the wings" so to speak ready to be called by his "God" to assume the duties of the Crist returned.
Of course, lack of societal collapse put a bit of a twist on all that background but strangely enough has resulted in quite a tolerant and interesting skill set for myself :)
Oh... and well met :)