My Problem

I'm not sure if I'm soliciting feedback here, or if I just feel like putting my dilemma out there, so it's not bouncing around inside my skull.

If you've read my blog for the past couple of years, you'll likely be aware that my parent discovered my disaffection from the Church at the end of 2008. They found out about it by following links from other blogs and based on some of the information contained on the blog, knew it was mine.

Rather than just being open and honest about it, they decided that I needed to be sat down and taught the gospel again, but they didn't want me to know it was going to happen, so they tried to plan a trip to Utah. I tried to put it off, because conversations with my parents on subjects such as this are typically very one sided and not pleasant to be on the other side of.

Finally after I could put it off no longer, I decided to come clean. I sent an email apologizing for not being upfront with the about my feelings towards the Church, and explaining why I felt the way I did. I tried to be as civil as possible, explain myself carefully and clearly and mend any broken bridges.

The response I received back from my father was the complete opposite. It left me reeling in shock, and left Mrs. Koda in tears that anyone could speak to another human being like that - especially a child. The emails went back and forth for a couple of days, and eventually got to the point where my father said that his door was always open to talk, and I felt things were at a good place to begin the healing.

The email exchange contained a lot of very nasty stuff, but the thing with email, is that often you're shooting from the hip, reacting to stuff and spitting it out in the email without really considering it.

2 weeks later was when the letter arrived, heralded a couple of days before by an email announcing it's arrival and asking me to consider it carefully as it had been written 'With Love'.

The letter arrived...

I can't from it exactly, because Mrs Koda felt that it was best to not have it around any more, but below is a summary.

They're not racists and how dare I accuse them as such, because they used to treat black people really nicely and paid our gardener more than anyone else did.

First off, I didn't accuse them of being racists at any point. I had blogged about the LDS Church's racist policies and how I felt they were abhorrent, but I guess they took that as a personal attack on them. But don't get me wrong here... While they have mellowed in their racial views since immigrating to the United States, my father sat all my siblings down 4 or 5 years ago, and explained how black skin is a side effect of not being valiant in the pre-earth life, and that people with black skin should never be able to receive the priesthood - even though the Church has done it to save face.

Next they took issue with an experience I shared with them. My parents were raised in a different time and place and beatings were quite common. I was raised in a different time and place as well. It is one thing to give your kids a swat across the backside, and believe me, I got plenty of those as a kid. When I was a teen however, there were about 3 occasions which I can remember where it escalated beyond that. 1 particular occasion is burned in my memory and scares me to this day.

My father had been working long hours and combined with his Church callings had gotten minimal sleep. He was resting, and I think I had a verbal altercation with my brother or something, which woke him up. I don't know if I was on the top bunk to begin with, or if I heard him coming and escaped there for safety. Next thing I knew, I was grabbed, thrown on the floor, and as he screamed at me and held my hips between his feet, his closed fists alternately hit me on one side and then the other.

Now, in full disclosure, while it hurt at the time, I don't believe I was left with any serious bruising or anything, but it was the sheer terror of what was happening that sticks with me. My father's red face scowling and contorted while he was yelling, and then hearing my mother's shrill voice from the doorway shrieking "HIT HIM! HIT HIM! IT'S THE ONLY WAY HE'LL LEARN!"

I guess compared to many other kids, that experience really wasn't that bad, but it and other interactions with my parents, as well as 30 years of Mormon Orthodox teachings have giving me a fear of authority. I see a cop and I freeze up, I hear about a crime being committed and I feel guilty and even in interactions with higher ups at work, that anxiety to just bow my head and follow obediently still comes out.

Anyway, but back to the letter, my parents informed me that the event I referred to had never happened, and then proceeded to weave an elaborate tale about how I'd had trouble wetting the bed as a kid and had a lot of nightmares and they suspect this was simply a nightmare which I had thought was real.

You'd think I'd know the difference between a dream at age 2 or 3 and an actual event at age 14 or 15 which is still as vivid in my mind today as when it actually happened.

Anyway, there was plenty of other nasty stuff in the letter, but they ended off by saying that they couldn't bear to be around someone who hated them as much as I did, and so would not be spending any more time at our home. They did however mention that they would continue to write to our children and would commence email conversations with them when they got older.

And that was were it ended as far as I was concerned. Well that, and they suggested that I seek professional help to deal with my mental issues! Oh the stories, I could tell you about why that is both ironic, hilarious and sad, all together...

Since then I've written about a dozen letters to them, trying to build a bridge, but I've never gotten a letter to the point where I would feeling comfortable sending it to them.

About 6 months after the incident, I received a birthday card from them. I could see through the envelope that the card had something like "World's Greatest Son" on it. I never opened it, and I think Mrs. Koda eventually did, and then threw it away as well.

2009 saw a couple of non-descript email messages, stuff like - The shuttle takes off tomorrow at 9am, thought your kids might like to see it - and that kind of thing, but I've never responded.

At the end of 2009, Mrs. Koda received a letter mentioning something about how I must be really busy, since I never seem to respond to emails any more and asking for some communication about the kids.

I think my parents think that I, like my father, am governing my house with an iron fist, refusing to let any communication in or out and teaching my children all manner of nasty stuff about my parents - like they did about their parents to me!

I'm not and I don't, but Mrs Koda feels like this is a battle that I need to fight, and she stands 100% behind me in it, even though she doesn't agree with some of my positions fully. My parents have tried the divide and conquer strategy with us in the past as well, but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, this year the cards have continued, and there have been some awkward things, like one kid getting money in a card, and then the next kid not, which makes it really hard to explain to the kid who got screwed, and do so in a way without telling the kid why you think it's happening.

I got a card for my birthday as well, and since I'm dealing with it better these days, I figured I'd open it. It was the usual generic card with a basic birthday greeting, but it had a brief note written on the left hand side...

"I wish I knew what your problem was. I really miss spending time with your family."

I think in my mothers twisted mind, she's convinced that they have done nothing wrong. I'm the evil little rebellious Satan worshiper who is trying to destroy the family and they're the victims in all of this.

I don't really think anyone is really to blame here, it's just an unfortunate situation... Although, did I mention that apparently my father sent an email to all my siblings informing them that I no longer wanted to have anything to do with my extended family? Who does that kind of thing?!?

Anyway, I think perhaps the time to finally finish the letter and send it off has come. I've had it written for about 2 months now, with very few changes.

It's very cordial, but explains some of my reservations about spending time with them and allowing them access to my children.

I really don't think they're bad people, but I think in giving themselves a choice between me and their church (Which choice doesn't even really exist, they just think it does) they've chosen their church, and unless I admit I'm wrong, come back into the fold and confess their divine mission or something like that, they won't be able to reconcile.

I think the hardest thing for me has been feeling through most of my life that I've been a disappointment to them, and the whole interaction last year pretty much confirmed that they do indeed feel that way about me. I just don't know if I want to get back into that kind of relationship again.

OK - I'll stop there. I don't know why I'm sharing this. I honestly don't know what I want for the future either.

It's nice to be a part of a family, but at the same time, being part of a family doesn't mean you have to accept being treated like crap either.