I've been listening to the Sunday review of Mormon General Conference, and I heard something which struck me pretty strongly...
There was a statement made by one of the speaker (I believe it was a councilor in the Young Women's organization), that if parents are good examples, their children will not go astray.
I made the decision a little while back, that I wouldn't be blogging publicly about my relationship with my parents anymore, but I think that statement warrants an exception.
If you know me, then your know that me and the parents aren't speaking right now. It's a touchy and difficult situation, and whether I'm handling it well or not remains to be seen.
Our past has not been plain sailing and there are many mistakes on both sides of the relationship which have been made, but that's just part of the human experience.
If you want to consider their examples as members of the LDS Church though, here are two people who are committed 110% to their religion. Yes I think it's a flawed ideology, and that it has caused me damage, but they're in it, and they wholly believe it, and they live it to the best of their ability.
My "Going Astray" has absolutely nothing to do with them, their commitment level or anything like that, and so for some, self-righteous, self-absorbed leader of an organization within the Church to stand up in front of the world, and indirectly accuse them of not being good enough examples, just PISSES ME OFF!!!
Perhaps at the end of the day that is the real problem. I've suspect since the unfortunate incident which drove the final nail into the coffin of our relationship, that their real reason for being upset with me, was that my blog made them look bad.
I thought it petty and a little self centered, but hearing that little statement from the pulpit, adds a whole other dimension.
In effect my leaving somehow means that they weren't good Mormons.
So, not only does the organization threaten me with loss of family, loss of salvation and all that crap, but it gets the other side too, and assigns to them the guilt of failing God, of not being good enough or committed enough.
It's sick, it's wrong and just another glaring example of why the head of this religion absolutely cannot be some kind of loving deity.
What really bugs me is that the church seems to forget that parents are only held accountable should they fail to teach their kids the tenets of the gospel such as prayer, repentance, forgiveness, and most especially the difference between right and wrong.
ReplyDeleteOnce the kids are old enough to be held accountable for these things, anything they do is held against them and not the parents. Yet the parents are often very willing and ready to accept any of the blame because of the, "Where did I go wrong?" mentality. Even if a child should "fall away," the parent's job is to be the parent, not the scapegoat.
Look at the father in the parable of the prodigal son. Was he ashamed that the son had squandered his inheritance? No. Was he ashamed that the son had to reduce himself to being lower than cattle just to survive? No. The father broke custom and RAN to his son to greet him even though the son was very likely unbelievably dirty and his clothes incredibly worn out. The father didn't care if the son had turned his life around or not, because he got to see him one more time. No blame was given to either side from the other, only reconciliation and forgiveness.
I'm liking that story more and more...
ReplyDeletePerhaps to make it applicable to the Church though, we need to add another character...
The wealthy landowner who 'owns' the father and the son, and sees both as an income stream. He was probably ticked when he saw the son leave, overjoyed that leaving caused him to have to spend his days with the pigs and then shifted all the blame for his leaving to the father, since he (The landowner) had lost control over the son.
The story is a lot better without the landowner!
I think the last time I went to sacrament meeting was on Mother's Day. Naturally one of the speakers in talking about how wonderful his mother was said that all her children had served missions, been married in the temple, etc. That's how success is measured in the church. And I feel terrible for my mother-in-law because she has about a 50% success rate with her kids, so she'll never feel good about herself. Even if ALL her children are happy, responsible, good people, she'll always feel like a failure because a few of them aren't active in the church. It's just wrong.
ReplyDeleteYes, the success rate. Stated in public to show your accomplishments. I was just reading a book my aunt helped put together for her 50th high school reunion. One of the biographies mentioned someone's 7 out of 8 kids were married in the temple. Well how ashamed she must be for that other one. I was so mad. That's the level of success.
ReplyDeleteI was talking to my mom last night about church matters. I actually listed what you are posting about as a problem, since my mom feels enormous guilt over any and all failings in my siblings' or my life. She said she has to believe it will all work out in the end (heaven?). At least I got it through to her that I will never be Mormon again. Went well I think.
I remember hearing a story a long time ago where a young man was asking his girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage and the father decided to test him. The father asked, "How do you define success?"
ReplyDeleteThe son's reply, "To be able to stand before God in full and unwavering confidence and to be able to bring his wife with him in doing so."
The father immediately gave his blessing.
This is EXACTLY why I can't fully come out as an apostate to my parents. With the exception of their unhealthy devotion to their religion (The Church can become a false idol quite easily!), they are good and wonderful people and I love and appreciate everything they have done for me in my life.
ReplyDeleteIf I told them I didn't want anything more to do with the church, they would feel incredible guilt and shame as failed Mormon parents.
Which is doubly a shame because the church and gospel are most definitely NOT one and the same. Far too many people believe that and that only makes things worse.
ReplyDeleteThe church's mission is to be a delivery mechanism for the gospel. If in fails in that, then the Lord will cast it aside and choose another. And those are essentially the same words He said to Joseph Smith.
Deep down it is a really destructive take on religion when your salvation is dependent upon someone else's-- hence all of the manipulation, disowning of children for disobedience, etc.
ReplyDeleteThis Mormon assumption that parents are to blame for their offspring "falling away" is a defense mechanism, methinks. If they can blame apostasy on parents, it spares them the anguish of reflecting on the ACTUAL reasons why people are leaving Mormonism -- and thus the ACTUAL flaws in their theology.
ReplyDeleteThanks Guys!
ReplyDeleteAs a follow up to this... An opportunity presented itself at the end of last week, in which I was able to apologize and help set the record straight... The result bears a great deal of resemblance to this story and simply look at today's post if you're wondering how I'm feeling.