In many ways I suspect that coming out as an Ex-Mormon to your friends and family, is similar to the process a homosexual person might go through in coming out about their sexuality.
And at the same time, I feel that such a comparison almost trivializes the process and heart-break a gay person might go through, since I suspect theirs is far more emotionally and mentally taxing.
At least for a Mormon leaving, you can rest assured that there is probably a majority of the worlds population that actually agrees with you.
Anyway, I've really liked listening to and watching the video campaign to help inspire and support gay people. The "It gets better" campaign.
For Ex-mormons it gets better too.
This past weekend was really, really great!
Mrs Koda and I were talking just last night about how Saturday night used to be kind of a downer, because in effect, our weekend was over.
Now when we hit Saturday night, we've still got another day of weekend!
So, if you're struggling to leave Mormonism - or any fundamentalist type religion for that matter... You still have a rocky road ahead of you, but....
IT GETS BETTER!!!
Indeed, it does!
ReplyDeleteI've often felt a similarity between leaving Mormonism and my son's coming out, but then felt guilty for feeling that way. I like the way a friend described it. In a way we are like reverse pioneers. Instead of struggling to make it to Utah and Zion, we are forging our way out. It's just as hard in it's way. I'm still waiting for the getting better part.
ReplyDeleteYes, the greatest irony of the "day of rest" being the most stressful day of the week. I'm in no hurry to ever accept another leadership position because I really, REALLY hate meetings. And if I'm asked why I turn down a position, I'll just come out and say that.
ReplyDeleteA professor of mine came right out and said, "If you're ever called as a general authority, kiss your family good-bye."
Sundays off and 10% more cash to do with what you will....those two things alone contribute to a whole lot of "getting better!"
ReplyDeleteHowever, the tastiest part of "it getting better" for me was not the time and money freedom, but the multi-year mental vacation that has resulted from removing the toxic inputs out of my life.
Hang in there.....IT GETS A WHOLE LOT BETTER!!!!
@Dave P. Were you a reader when I did the "I belong to the COJCoLDS" post? It involved a tale told me by my previous bishop about GA's and the like.
ReplyDelete@RandomFartings - Since you've got me hooked on Celtic Rock/Punk for the time being, I think you have a responsibility to help me organize an ExMo night out. March 12th next year at The Depot. The Young Dubliners. I'm pretty sure I could round up a decent group of folks... You interested?
There is something incredibly cathartic about hanging out with out folks in similar positions, and you don't even have to talk Church!!!
Koda, I am THERE! I haven't been to a concert since Nine Inch Nails. My Celtic Rock phase started recently so I'd love to see an actual concert. What a grand idea!
ReplyDeleteSWEEEEEEEEEEEEET! Tickets aren't on sale yet, but I'll keep my eye on them. Don't know if you've ever been to The Depot, but it's an awesome club. Let's see who else we can get!
ReplyDeleteAs a man who has done both...Leave the LDS Church and come out as a gay man...I think it's an apt comparison. BUT, my experience is that leaving Mormonism remains much harder.
ReplyDeleteI could probably write an entire blog post on the comparisons, but here are a few thoughts...
Coming out gay and post-Mormon both are exhilarating! It's freeing and provides clarity to life that was otherwise foggy and frustrating.
As a gay man, there's probably around 50% of the population that either support my rights and sympathize with my situation in life OR is disgusted by me (in other words they love me but not my lifestyle). Most people know a person who is gay, and gays are now ubiquitous on TV and in movies. I easily found a large community of gay men who had "come out."
Leaving Mormonism is much more isolating and much more ridden with self-doubt. I never doubted I was gay. I did wonder several times if I was crazy for thinking the LDS Church was a fraud. It was difficult finding people in the same situation. There's a very small sub-population of people who "get it" regarding the challenges of leaving Mormonism. Most people tend to wonder why you just can't get over it.
Just a few quick thoughts of mine....
Great blog and great comments. I like the "reverse pioneer" comment. I agree. The early mormons said "we have to stick to our beliefs even though we are shunned by non-believers." Now we say "We must stick with our non belief even though we are shunned by believers."
ReplyDeleteAmen! It KEEPS getting better!
ReplyDeletedadsprimalscream and Becky - I liked reading your comments about the challenges facing ex-mo's. I am reading 'Rough Stone Rolling' by Richard Bushman at the moment in an attempt to openly face a believers version of reality. I wanted to puke on the very first page of the Preface where he says:
ReplyDelete"Everything about Smith maters to people who have built their lives on his teachings. To protect their own deepest commitments, believers want to shield their prophet's reputation. On the other hand, people who have broken away from Mormonism-and they produce a large amount of scholarship-have to justify their decision to leave"
Now whilst he attempts to be objective in his book I find this statement on the very first freaking page to be so grrrrrr! He completely ignores the possibility that ex-members are possibly trying to overcome the trauma of years of brainwashing and hence have many thoughts/ideas etc to work through.
Other things in the book so far have also made me want to puke but I would really like to get the whole way through it and consider it thoughtfully throughout. Tough call, I know but I think I've got balls enough... ;)
@Maureen - I suspect you're plenty ballsy. I got through about a quarter of it, and the rest of the time, I've just used it to look up various topics. Helen Mar Kimball, Council of 50 and that kind of stuff. I found it interesting to watch him trying to reconcile his goal to provide an honest and true historical account and try to reconcile it with his faith.
ReplyDelete@Becky - I like it!
@DadsPrimalScream - Thanks for sharing your perspective as well. I wonder if a lot of the pain involved with coming out, has to do with your community and your status in life. I think coming out as an Ex-Mormon in a non-Mormon community and if I had non-mormon family, would have been a whole lot easier than doing it in 'Zion' with fundamentalist Mormons on my side and devout Mormons on my wifes.
shit yes--discovering that Sunday was another day to our weekend was like heaven. although it didn't feel quite as good as getting the ten percent raise in income when we stopped paying tithing!
ReplyDeleteKoda, I just recently started reading your blog, and find it amazing! Great stuff, I'm laughing all the time and also going, "oh, thank GOD someone will say it!" So thanks for saying all the things I'm thinking, and all the things I should be thinking about.
ReplyDeleteI know this post is a little old but I want to tell you yeah, there is a similarity between the two.
I became inactive when I was 19, a little over two years ago. It was hard to leave, and even after I decided to end my own hypocrisy I was still too much of a coward to tell anyone. I haven't had to do the big "Guess what people, I'm done!" thing, except with my parents (which sent my mothers to tears, and I still regret that), but over the past few months I've gotten really sick of pretending, so if someone asks I'll flat out tell them I no longer go to church.
So at 21, after comings to terms with being bi and that I might rather be with a woman (and me being a woman) than with a man, I feel like I'm going through the same thing all over again. I haven't been able to bring myself to make my mother cry again, but It's probably about time I make clear to my family and friends my religious orientation and sexual orientation as well, both of which will be difficult. For me, trying to decide which one is worse is like trying to decide if I'd be more painful to lose an arm or a leg. And I guess I'm doing both.