Sex and Barriers

Wow! Lots of memories lately. I thought today I'd let y'all peek into the Koda bedroom. Sorry Voyeur! No saucy details though!!

Anyway... Sometime ago, I had a friend who was finishing up a class for his degree in counseling and he needed a couple to practice on. Wanting to get to know him better, and because it sounded like fun, I volunteered. Mrs Koda was a little hesitant at first, but we both look back on the experience with a lot of gratitude.

It turns out that he was lucky enough to pick a fairly normal couple. Some of his class mates picked family members and several had unpleasant confrontations and issues come to life.

It took 4 weeks, and involved a couple of hours once a week. It was largely an exercise in getting us to communicate and discuss issues. We were already communicating quite well, but after going through this, we started communicating even better.

One session we were asked to bring up issues in our marriage and Mrs. Koda decided to introduce the topic of sex.

So we talked about it a little and then we were put through an exercise. We were asked to rank how we felt we were doing with the particular issue.

1 was really bad and 10 was good.

Sex was one of the issues.

I gave it a 7, with a thought that maybe it should have been an 8.

Mrs Koda gave it a 2.

Here's the thing....

I'm the one who brings up sex in our marriage, because as I may have mentioned before... I'm a man, and as such, somewhat of a horny bastard!

I guess in so doing, Mrs Koda felt it was bad.

Mrs Koda enjoys sex as well, but... She's given birth to 5 kids, 5 kids who despite our love for them are annoying as hell sometimes, and with Mrs Koda being a stay at home mom... They're always there.

I totally get her not wanting to be touched at night, nor engage in the very act which caused the little buggers in the first place. But I still like me some sex.

Anyway... We then had to justify our ratings.

For me, it's a matter of relativity. I'd have sex every night if I could. In fact, if I could have it at night and in the morning, with a couple of quickies here and there, I'd be over the moon about it.

Generally I'll get it a couple of times a week. Sometimes less, and rarely more.

I DON'T THINK THAT IS BAD AT ALL!

I have friends who are lucky if they get it once a month, and a few who have gone for several months at a time, without a little pokey pokey!

So, in the grand scheme of things, I'm a really lucky guy!

Anyway, the problem with sex in our marriage was not so much a problem with quantity, or even quality. It was a lack of understanding of the other persons feelings and perspective.

I think the frequency may actually have declined a little since that chat, but I'm happier and Mrs Koda is happier, and that means that when she does roll over and there's a little sparkle in her eyes, the sex is a lot better.

We have a great sex life in my opinion, and all it took to enhance it was broaching the barrier which we didn't know existed between us.

And I guess with all that said... It really isn't about sex at all. It's more about communicating and realizing that sometimes, perception matters more than reality, and even in a relationship were you think you're communicating well, and everything is well. Sometimes there are things which are perceived differently by either partner and which are easy to overcome, once you know that the barrier exists.